My t has started doing with me what she calls "unburdening." I think it's like trauma work, but might be based in IFS therapy. It has to do with unloading the inner pain and false beliefs about self that have been been wrongly loaded onto us by experiences we've had in the past. It's probably also similar to EMDR but without the eye movements.

Anyway, i've held in and resisted my pain for a very long time. I've been afraid of it, afraid to feel it, afraid it would kill me. And, when trying to confront the pain in therapy over the years, it has often been too overwhelming and destabilized me. In fact, i am not a good candidate for EMDR because of this.

Well, lately, my t has been pushing me to confront the pain and let go of it. To stop carrying it around. We've talked about what has caused the pain, and now she would like to see me unburden it. So we have started practicing having me visualize releasing the pain into the elements, wind or water, or wherever i want to picure it going. I've been attempting to do this, and it has helped some. But it doesn't feel like it's that simple, to just "decide" to let go of pain and then do it. Once i expell some of the stored up energy, by crying and releasing it, i do feel some relief. But the next day, i feel stirred up again, as though there is alot more under the surface. I actually feel more needy, and need to email my t more. Once we have started accessing it, I have trouble putting a lid on it until the following week.

Recently, i realize that i am also reluctant to let the pain go. Not because i want to keep suffering, but because it has been a part of me for as long as i can remember. For the part of me that holds pain, it seems like unburdening the pain will leave an empty shell with nothing in it, or that this part of me would disappear. I don't know how else to explain it. My t has been asking me, what would that part that holds pain like to do, once it has let go of all the pain and suffering? I can't seem to answer that. The purpose of this part of me seems like it has always been to hold emotional pain, away from other parts of me.

I feel crazy typing this, and maybe i am not even making sense. Does anybody get it/relate to what i'm saying?

I feel like for some reason i am just not good at trauma work. It stirs me up but i can't get rid of it. i don't know "how."