Tues I went to the cemetary where my foster daughter of 12 years is buried. My older friend is from that area and she wanted to go to her ralative's grave in a different cemetary. Well, My daughter was buried in this place 2.5 hours from where I live and I have had, for the first and only time ever, a desire to go to her grave, a feeling that I have abandoned her... I would not have chosen to bury her there. When I go to the grave I am usually upset that the flowers I planted have been pulled up or mowed over. Her birth parents had the clay box that I had planted flowers in, perrenials which I had asked them to put in shelter in the winter under hay so they would come back.

Anyways, her stone was empty. The rocks I place there each time I go are always gone. I was speaking with T about this today and she asked why I went there? I told her because I felt like I abandoned her there. Her body, or if I had my way, her ashes should be here. She told me that the cemetaryt was not where I needed to remember my daughter. I agreed to the point of I don't ever, as a rule, do cemetaries. They hold no meaning for me. However, my daughter is buried there in a vault that will take a few hundred years to crack and leak, and a casket that is guaranteed not to leak for 50 years. My point is simple. She belongs here. I hate that her body is there. I hate that I feel she is being neglected. If she were here, under the maple tree we planted for her I would know she is in every flower, every blade of grass, and yes, in her lovely tree. Yes, we have her tree and a memorial for her. But she is trapped in a place far away where she can't return to the earth and where no one is taking care of the symbol, one I don't like at all, of her very existance.

I don't really know what my therapist said but I am hurt and angry at her. This is very rare.

I want to go dig up my daughter 8 years dead and bring her bones here to lie beneath her tree where I know she will return to the earth and the odd symbol of her death or life is not being neglected..

I know I don't want to go to that place again. No more going to her grave. I am so angry with my T. I feel so sad and misunderstood and I cry as I feel the need to bring my daughter's bones home to sleep. to wake, to grow and to change form.

Please a kiss for my big ouch?