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Triggers
I want to ellaborate on my comment a little more now, at first I was kind of a bit... Not triggered but reminded in a bad way of a time I've tried to forget. I was 15, dating a 19 year old. He was INCREDIBLY similar to your ex. At one point I remember, crying hysterrically while doing what you mentioned above. He had a nasty way of getting me to do that for him as well. He didn't care how much I cried, it didn't stop him from wanting it. I even had to do it to make up for other abuse. A man tried to force himself on me one day, I got away by kneeing him between the legs and running home. I was crying my eyes out when they (at the time) boyfriend came back from work. I told him about it and instantly he found a way to make me feel like it was my fault. That if I didn't do what you mentioned above, he would leave me, that was my way to prove that I didn't provoke the other man into attacking me. That was a bad day to say the least.
I've been there and it's terrible. I never thought much about that guy other than him being a horrible boyfriend. I never even considered it abusive at all until I read your thread. That's why I couldn't say much the first comment. It kind of brought back the memories but for once, from a different stand point.
What this man did to you, in every way was wrong. It was sexual abuse. Sexual assault, physical emotional, it was over all very abusive. I don't know if technically it would be considered rape, (such a hard word to see hear type etc) but it was deffinately just as bad. A man does not have to break that area in to cause as much damage as a rapist. No matter what the name, it doesn't take away the pain. Some men who only sexually abused me caused as much if not more damage than the few who r*ped me. I've been on ever side of the sexual assault spectrum and it isn't easier because it wasn't actual sex. In some aspects, oral can be more traumatic. Not always but sometimes it really can be. Being forced to do something in any sense is very traumatizing. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. It's very upsetting, and I can completely relate. I am truly sorry. I hope that a-hole gets what he deserves. My t says, there's not statute of limitations when it comes to this kind of thing, at any point in your life you can press charges against him, if that's the choice you want to make. Even if not, know he was the one in the wrong in many ways. Not you.
Wow, a lot of us were 15 at the time, I didn't even notice... It's so sad... It truly is. I am so sorry to all who have felt this pain... So incredibly sorry...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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