Thank-you all, I think I answered everyone, if I didn't I'm sorry. You really have helped me flesh out the why's and gave me some tings to try but I still have some questions. Sorry it's long.

It's mostly "just don't want to take them" but I have MAJOR control issues so that may be part of it too.

Maybe that'll scare you My Pdoc already threatened to put me on a non-weight nutral medication if I stop this one, way to use one disorder against another. Scaring me will only last so long.

Rewards: Small reward: Maybe taking meds = a soda
Large reward: Amusement park day

would I be denying myself the meds that let me breathe? : I'd quite likely have med non compliance to that to because longer then one pill becomes an issue for me.

Maybe you haven't fully accepted that you have bp?: The professionals can't even seem to agree. I'm much more comfortable with dx. of bp than other suggestions and really would like to just stop jumping DX.'s. This is the 4th time I've been dx. As bipolar but it seems to get more severe case each time they dx.

Stability: Now, I'm pretty sure I haven't been completely stable for months but whatever "this" is I don't like it. When I was stable it felt weird and so wrong. At the same time it was right, nice and so boring. I also think I'm scared to loose my ED.

Trippin2.0: What are positive motivations to take meds.? I do loathe meds making me a better person. What is a MH plan, I don't know if I have one?

gatorgirl1980: Most of my family has no idea. I know I'm not the most upbeat and friendly as I am with meds but it is really hard and tiring. I hope your boyfriend finds reason to comply even if it's to keep his sobriety.