Stability is what you make of it and can be found in different forms. Trippin's post was so beautiful.

Stability is going to feel wrong because you're not experiencing things in the same way.

I honestly wish I could go without medication, but I can't afford to be non-functional. I was used to being defensive, triggered easily and emotional. I was used to getting mad and having my whole day ruined. I was used to using self-harm as a means to release tension and have violent abstract hallucinations. For the longest time I wondered why I was so pessimistic but I could never understand why. I was med non-compliant and lived in my pdocs office, often wailling about some minute detail in life. For me, I didn't have the tools to change my life perspective, so I repeated this cycle over and over.

Then I finally realized something important. If I really had control over my symptoms I wouldn't be in this position. If I really had a control over myself, I wouldn't see the doctor so frequently. It was like something clicked. Then I spent the next 2-3 weeks crying on/off because I hated what stability did. (I'm hoping to pick up meditation, and with enough practice be able to be med free but we'll see) I hated that I lost the intense spiritual experience and connectivity to God that I once had. I hated that I would sometimes struggle to empathize and I hated that I had to do this or I would lose my SO because he was tired of having anger directed at him...but they were trade offs.

So, I gave it a shot. I persisted in taking medication and ended up learning a lot from PC about the struggles of BP (started 2011, but didn't see changes until 2012). I was able to connect with people on here and see the different parts of acceptance we're all at. PC also helped me deal with some emotional scarring and move on. It also showed me that there is never a time that you can't be learning something about yourself. Most of all, I wanted to emulate some of the users who'd already allowed this thing called stability take over their lives.

Stability isn't always there for me, but I've finally got control over most of my "bad habits" so even when I'm having problems with medication I'm able to use the tools I've learned to get myself help and stabilize myself. I think it is a learning process, but you have to be willing to be uncomfortable before it becomes comfortable. Even if you're not taking medication you still have to learn coping mechanisms that allow you to function despite the adversaries you're facing. There is no set path, it's one you have to forge yourself. It only happens when YOU want it, much like all other change in life.

Honestly, it's a choice you have to make. It's like a scar that you keep picking. Until you decide to put some kind of antibacterial (no infections please) on it and give it time it won't heal. Thus, you need tools + willpower.