I am still trying to figure out my system. Right now I am going to be laid off from my job in a week. I am under a lot of preasure. I have fallen back into the part of me that I was most of the time in the past. It is weird because I never really understood how I could pull it all together to get through difficult times. And in easier times be all over the place. But right now I am here and everyone is standing behind me. (double meaning) There is a part of me who has had suicidal thoughts in the past. There is a part of me who punches things injuring my hands. But most of the time I protect my body because without it I would be gone. I don't understand why so many of us with DID end up hurting our body. I do get that someone can have alters that imitate the original abuse. But I am DID because I wanted to survive and I didn't want to feel the pain. My body survived and my mind survived through DID. There are parts of me that hold painful memories and other parts who know none of it. I am at a point in my life that my alters need to return to me so we can live as one being. With all the memories in one place. I view my body as having a mind of it's own that co exists with my alters mind's. I don't know where I am going with this. I guess I am still trying to figure out why sometimes I punch things when I know I will hurt myself and why sometimes I think of suicide as a way of punishing myself. At the same time wanting to protect my body. Why would I hurt my body when it took all the abuse and helped protect me when I was little? I can't figure that out.