My T shocked me Thursday. I have this thing where I call myself, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!", you know? So I do it during session Thursday, and he goes, "you know, I find myself doing that at least once a day and it reminds me of you" or I think of you, or I don't remember exactly how he put it - then he goes, "but you go to it pretty quickly, to put yourself down?" I was like, "omg, i'm so sorry I put that in your head!" on the other hand, he said it makes him laugh at himself, so I like that. I take a quick look at The New Yorker in his waiting room. I usually get there just in time, so I only get a minute or two, but lately it seems like I zero in on THE PERFECT cartoon or article for him. I told him I see myself as his magazine "curator", as Gordon Ramsay used the word recently! I told T now I don't have to marry him anymore, I have a word for what I do by presenting him with these special bits. That emotionally absent book says we need someone to see not only our pain, but our potential.

it's still very scary at home by myself, where I just sit. I talk good in therapy, but you all do much better than I do IRL - you actually have real lives and spouses and stuff, mostly. not that anybody is comparing. we can learn and borrow bravery from each other, right?