When I was a sweet young thing I realized I was numb. I was living in NYC at the time with roommates into acting. So, I thought to myself, hmmm, maybe if I take acting lessons I can learn how to have emotions.

I lasted 2 lessons and the presence of these "acted" emotions turned out to demand actual feeling (cause good acting is just replaying your own feelings in a new situation.......) and OH BABY I was NOT ready to go there. My ulcer blew th f up. I crumpled. I was not ready to feel. I could not push it intellectually. Back to the drawing board....... I was better off numb.

It has taken me most of my aging life to get present with my feelings. Finding a safe place to live was a huge part of the problem. Until I was safe on a very primal limbic level, there was no going into the depths...... "on guard" was my full time natural state.

The feeling that if I ever did break my shell and start feeling/crying, I would never stop. I was soooo backed up. That turned out to be a misconception on my part. It was the pressure of holding back that was huge. Once the tears found a hole in my armour, they were finite, I did stop. Drained, exhausted, glassy eyed, but, relieved.

When you are ready, it will come.