**Monty Girl** if you can read this it relates to your thread on crying...but because it has some triggering content, I thought it best not to post in your thread. So please no disrespect meant..

It took me almost a year to be able to shed a tear in my T ‘s office..its not that I did not cry…only I never did this around anyone , I pathologically isolate myself, go into a closet, anywhere that I cannot be found crying, or I would dissociate, I understand the veil of dysfunction surrounds not only my own physical torture from childhood abuse and trauma, but also if I showed emotions while I was being hurt, my mother was attacked as well in my presence. I understand I developed certain alters which contain this part of the emotional liability, anger/rage, suffering/abandonment, fear/terror, so as an adult I am having to learn how to identify, and express the negative emotions and memory parts. Sometimes in session things swell up inside, and I think ok..ok. I have learned enough that my system is going to allow me the chance to actually experience these in the presence of a supporting and guiding human being..but no..it stops..it gets grabbed back inward, or I start to hallucinate the most god awful images, and I am left feeling empty and frustrated, mute, confused, and without closure….when the tears finally started last year, and were shared with my T, I felt comforted for the first time in my memory..we felt trust…a moving cathargic experience which is hard to put into words. I still don’t cry in front of others, the dissociation is to strong, even when I visit my younger sisters grave to place flowers or maybe to try and talk, I start to feel the grief swell, I panic, and take off like a bat out of hell…I cant even cry in front of her grave stone for God’s sake, when I go to the movies and it’s a tear jerker, if I start to feel the tears coming, even in the dark sitting alone..I start to dig into my arms, bite my tongue.. anything to defer the emotion and stop others from seeing me shed one tear, the hallucinations continue when I start to get upset, but it will come eventually to an end, now that I have learned enough about what is happening, and that my system will allow myself to except comfort from outside of itself ...the healing has started….it just takes time..and since we have had more than enough time to endure the suffering, I am trying to give the same for the healing...

Thank you everyone at PC for allowing me to express and share, even though this is a virtual enviroment, it is still an extension of personal growth and support, and I have found kindred spirits embattled in the legacy of trauma and abuse, surviving and growing thru it all…it does help..it really does..((KD))..((Myself))..and so many others…as the old movie cliché goes..”You had me at Hello”....