Something happened yesterday that REALLY triggered me. I believed I was completely unsafe (and honestly, I might be completely unsafe) and I just freaked. Like, it doesn't matter if I am being good, working hard, doing the right thing...there still might be bad people out there who are out to get me. OMG. I know it doesn't make sense because i have to be vague here, but it made a lot of sense in the real-life situation I'm in.

So, I called T. I was in total panic attack mode and I didn't know what to do. I don't want to start seeing him again, at all, but I wondered if we could touch base by phone next week. He knows me really well, and I thought he might be able to bring some calmness to the situation.

Then I went to a 12 step meeting and it was a speaker meeting and I heard so many things I needed to hear, about tapping into the good energy all around us, understanding that we can't control other people, making a choice to live a happy life. I cried through the meeting.

I called T on the way home, calmer now, but in tears, and told him about the meeting. I said I would still like to touch base if that's allowed. I realized that I may need to get another T to work through some of this...which is disappointing in a way, because who wants to start with a NEW therapist? But reassuring in a way, because I do believe that there might be "someone" out there who can help me through this.

It's hard to know when i can work through something on my own and when some help would be a good thing. i spent my life working through things on my own, but now I know that's not always the healthiest/right choice.

Blah!