I am reading a ton about meds and how bipolar people have used them and this site has been great to see how real, live, actual people who struggle with it.

I am trying to not do meds but the more I read, the more I talk to people here, the more I realize that meds are needed. Does that mean I am going to go to my appointment next week and get right back on meds? I don't think so, I think I am actually going to cancel my NP appointment and fight a little longer without meds.

Last night something hit me. I just made it through the hardest year of my life (divorce which is still pending, unexpected death of my mom and I sabotaged [and continue to sabotage] a great relationship) without meds. I had both the best times of my life in this period and the worst times and I am still here. I don't want those 'worst times" anymore, some of which have been depression related to nothing else other than bipolar cycling but I don't want to get medicated to miss out on this great times.

I have gotten to the point where I am consumed on what to do with meds and my heart is saying no while my head is saying "You need help". I don't know what to do, but I know the more I read and the more I learn (from both this site and the number of therapists I have seen the past month) is that bipolar needs meds 999 time out of 1,000. So maybe I should just give in.