I've been concerned about how to tell my kid's T more of what happened that one weekend with me. He had a lengthy talk with me at my kid's last appointment. He asked about that weekend but I was too afraid to go into details. He didn't want to take "no" for an answer so he gave me a little more time and said that I could leave a voice mail. I eventually left a voice mail saying that he should know how I can't keep things short, and a voice mail just wouldn't be realistic for me. I also said that there was something else I wanted him to know about me, my kids and our relationship, and things that happened a year and a half ago. I said that I'd write and leave a note or two at his office sometime this week.

I worked on the notes and was ready to deliver when at the last minute after driving to the office, I reread and decided that I had to do some editing. I really wanted to get it done and over with, so I called and left him another voice mail this time doing a little more confessing and admitting that I'd had bulimic type thoughts that weekend. I had a problem with the voice mail buttons and it got sent before I was ready, so I called back right away to continue and say that I wasn't sure where I'd left off, but he's probably gotten enough for now, and that he may still get the revised versions of the notes later.

I still haven't delivered any notes. I keep rewriting and editing and I'm not sure that I will ever feel they are ready. I've already given him the one primary piece of info that he wanted to know. The other, I don't know how to say. That second note about the stuff with my kids and such is a little emotional for me. What that note is about is turning into PTSD for me. A lot has been happening and so much so fast is bringing on the emotions. I have had so many reminders of what happened a year and a half ago, and I don't think my kid's T realizes or understands how each change is scary for me. One other thing to this is that it is my kid's T who did something a year and a half ago that was very traumatic to me. After all this time, it has been very hard still, and with recent changes and other happenings, it's getting more emotional with every reminder. I don't want my kid's T to feel bad about this, because it was his action that was traumatic for me. I know already that he didn't mean for things to carry on and last so long as they did. I also don't want him to be too concerned that this could get worse and scare him into doing a repeat act. Of which, that could even make things worse. It's like the cure and the cause would be the same thing--a no win situation. I am hoping that he will slow down the changes and try to build up at a rate in which I am more comfortable. I am afraid that otherwise if this gets worse, it could go into avoidance more. That would be bad--very bad. If that happens, I might be too afraid to see my kids, or take them to appointments with the T, or????? I'm sure he'll understand that we have to prevent this from going that far. This really upsets me and I can't afford for things to get worse. I lost so much before, and I hate to think of losing it all again.