Long story - i'll try and cut it short.

3 weeks ago, i started feeling a bit down, my friends invited me to go out with them, i said yes, my friend robert said he would pick me up from work, i didnt ask him to, he offered, but he drank too much the night before so could pick me up. So i travelled there and went out anyway. I knew i was feeling down, but i seemed to pick up once a bit drunk.

But i couldnt control my drunkeness, i was getting twice as drunk as i normally would, and even tried taking a time out and drinking water to get a grip. but then it was too late and i was a mess.

My friends kerri and robert are 'used to,' my awful behaviour when i'm drunk, by that i mean, it doesnt horrify them, but i was around fairly new people this time, so when i ran away and cut myself, they were shocked.
to be fair to myself, i wasnt planning on being found, but me and robert have an app on our phones that allows us to track each other, so i was fairly shocked when they all turned up at where i was hiding.

i refused to go back in their house and slept in another friends car.

so anyway, that day i went home - i live 40 miles away from everyone else.

And vowed to myself, that i would stop causing trouble to the people i love most and not get out of their lives.
Kerri and Robert may be used to it, but they shouldnt have to be.

I isolated myself for the last 3 weeks and didnt speak to anyone.

then at 2.51am this morning Robert rang me, i was fast asleep, he was drunk.

he said, "i know we havent spoken, but i want you to know, its not because i hate you, its because its awkward."
I said, "why isnt it awkward now," stopping myself making a nasty comment, or shouting at him that he doesnt care enough and he hasnt been there at a time when i NEED HIM MOST!
Because deep down i know, he's done his fair share of 'being there,' for me, and as far as he can see it doesnt do any good.

he also said, "i dont want you to think i'm better off without you, you're my friend, i lived with you for 2 years, i know what you do, and it doesnt shock me, but i want you to be part of my life, but i want to be able to tell you what i think and what i feel without you hurting yourself," [I]immediately i am wondering what he thinks and feels thats so bad i would want to hurt myself[/I

he said "i just want you to be normal,"

anyway, i just started crying and couldnt reply, except for telling him, its not right that he should put up with my behavior

then we had a little chat and hung up.

i text him today,
i cant be normal, i've proved that. you dont need me anymore, you'll be fine without me. I'm sure you wouldnt have called me last night had you not been drunk, but anyway you said, "i want to be able to tell you what i think and feel without you hurting yourself," who needs a friend who you cant talk to incase they do that? on the other hand, i need more, it hurts me to have friends, i feel like i'd be better off if i didnt have any, no one can leave me if they arent already here. i love you i am sorry, i know this is difficult.

he hasnt replied.

My message was half true, half attention seeking and half with a conviction i wish i meant.

i hate the situation now, because at least before i was ignoring him and that was more comfortable than him ignoring me.

I cant text him again because i cant handle the rejection, but i also hate leaving things without an ending!