I can't even remember choosing T to be my T, but he is the opposite gender to me and that has felt most comfortable. When I have thought of female therapists, I haven't been able to imagine sitting there for an hour with a female.

There have been big trust issues with T (not T's fault) and I have been unsettled and exploring quitting for a couple of weeks.

There have been some things in the imaginary "safe" for sometime and I had thought that some of the things didn't need to be in there anymore. T and I explored that a little last week and we came to the conclusion, that maybe it would still be worthwhile keeping an open mind to explore them at some point, rather than avoiding it.

A couple of days ago, something happened to trigger some extremely clear memories for me. They are very old memories, but are vivid and stuck in my head. The name of the person who they relate to, has also become very vivid in my mind, when for the last few years, I could only recall the first name, but now the surname is there as obvious as anything. I googled this person and now have an image, that I can't stop going back to see - this person is 32 years older, but there is no mistaking them.

I e-mailed some stuff to T about it yesterday, but since then it has hit me that I have to go and sit in a room with T on my own on Tuesday. Although I always feel anxious with T and find it hard to relax and open up, this feeling is different. It isn't anxiety about being in the "spot light" but more of a fear of being on my own with him. I absolutely know I am safe there, yet telling myself this isn't helping.

I am now wondering whether this underlying fear of my physical safety has been there all along with T. Yet he knows more about me than anyone else has ever known in my life. It is all very confusing - I want to see him as he is the person I think of when my head is a mess, yet at the same time I am suddenly scared of him.

I'm just not sure how to get my head to calm down about it all.