Nightsky--I agree it probably IS triggering for a lot of people. I don't even feel so particularly attached to my T, but I do know i've always admired you, your T and your relationship together and it is scary to think it can dissolve like it did. It is sad to see you in so much pain knowing how much work you have done over the years.

It is also hard because of your complexity-no one can get a grasp on whats really going on, so its hard to understand and provide support that would be helpful for you. We can only come to conclusions based on what you've said.

I also agree with elliemay, that you are strong and courageous and have so much inner wisdom. You do have a lot of resources you can use. I can't imagine anyone in your "real life" could understand this--unless they've been in therapy and have been privy to your therapy relationship over these years.

I also have always thought you should find another T. Not meaning when you were with your T, but when you decided you might end it. Clearly whatever happened was a huge deal and needs to be resolved, and obviously it couldn't happen with T, so it only makes sense to go to someone else to help resolve as much as you can. Before all of that happening, did you feel you were ready to end therapy? I have a feeling not, and if you were triggered so badly recently, there is still stuff to work on.

That sucks that the other T you called was too expensive, but as you've said you know there is someone out there to help you. Maybe what T brought you could only advance you so far. What he did was so incredibly healing, and got you to a certain point. Now you need someone with a different approach, different thinking to help you heal even further.

Either way i think you should continue to use us for support. I know it is hard to feel supported especially since you have to be vague, but i think this group is going to understand much better than anyone else in your life--besides a T that is