((((Claritytoo))))

I agree with what others have said. Often what we feel emotionally is too much and feeling it physically at times is easier than what we are feeling emotionally. It is something that often we could concentrate on when things were happening instead of what was going on around us or to us. I remember often times when I was in high school, causing physical pain before going home knowing the trouble there would be, the hours of interrogation that would take place, knowing physically there was something to feel and concentrate on kept the emotional pain a little farther away at least for the moment.

But also, often, or for us, many were taught to self injure, to hurt the body because we deserved it. It was a way to explain the bruises and hurt that would come because somehow making everyone believe we were falling, or bumping into things, or somehow cut while doing dishes kept the focus on us and off where we were told never to tell. There are some within myself that were taught to self injure and whenever we get too close to revealing something, they seem to kick in to stop us.

There are some inside us that were trained and brainwashed to SU or SI when certain holidays or trigger times approach. When you believe and are brainwashed to believe you are worthless, nothing, no one it becomes a part of who you or they are and often it was used against you to set you up for later. Some within me, it is all they know. It is what they were taught when out. It is hard to explain but what we went though when I could not take what was happening and left and another stepped out, they were then taken over and trained to end when certain times or things are said.

Often it can be a word, phrase, etc. that triggers those within that carry those messages and training and when to act to stop anyone from finding out anything. Sometimes my own thoughts come into play when I start to remember and cannot find a way out, or feel undeserving of anyone or good. At times it all gets too overwhelming and it is the only way of seeing how to stop it all. It is different for everyone. At times we can be going along seeming to be doing okay and out of no where something hits and the thoughts start.

Often it feel as though a tornado whirling picking up things from all directions and it feels there is no other way out. It gets to spinning so fast and so out of control hurting somehow slows it down or even the ending thoughts somehow seems the only way. It is hard to explain but I do hear you and validate how you feel and what you are saying. Just as some were there to get through certain things, some were used to hurt and it is all they know. And until they can learn something new or even learn we are no longer back there and pretty safe for the most part now they only know what they know.

Some within myself do not know what year it is, where we are, or that safe people even exist. All they know is that everyone is a possibly dangerous person that could be part of the hurt, they react as they always have because they are trying to protect the body the way they always had to. As hard as it is for me to say this, we were taught how to hurt, how to end, and it was our fault and we deserve to be hurt. I do not know if this makes sense but for us it is and was learned and for some that was all they knew. Getting some to today is so hard, seeing we made it through and are not still back then at times is impossible, and takes a lot of time to get them to understand if they ever can.

For us emotions were not okay and so when feelings or emotions begin to come now it causes a lot of confusion and fear. We were never allowed to be angry for it was instilled within that it was our fault. We made them do it, so when it begins to come it is often turned inward to keep from getting in trouble or caught having any feelings or emotions that we were never to have or know existed. We were never to know it was not about us but them. This is just our experience, we cannot talk for anyone else. But what you said makes sense and I hope that you can figure it out. It is possible but takes lots of work and changing those old messages that often play over and over especially it seems when we start to figure out the truth. Often put into lose/lose situations where there was no right way no matter how hard you tried plays a big part of our thinking and feeling we can never win.

I hope something said here helps. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. If okay.

dps