So some of you know I'm going to Sheppard Pratt soon, but then afterwards they want me to go into a group home so that I can do outpatient therapy, so that I can keep myself safe in outpatient therapy while I'm working through the trauma. My take on it is that I don't think that I should be working on trauma therapy if I'm not stable enough to do it. I have heard, read and discovered many times that you shouldn't work on trauma therapy until you are stable enough to do that. That trauma therapy doesn't have to be retraumatizing. They say that when I go to work on trauma therapy that I become unstable. Of course because I'm not ready to work on it yet. Because they won't let me work at my own pace. They keep pressuring me to get this over with. I want to write them a letter.

Dear Team And Mother

I'm not saying "O I'm not doing this stuff" now. But I need you to listen to me, because I'm better at writing then I will ever be at speaking. I need you to pay attention and not get upset. I need you to put aside your instincts to save me. I need you to understand that I know what is best for me. I need you to believe that Jennifer is not always right, as much educated as she seems to be. I will go to Sheppard Pratt. And Sheppard Pratt will tell you exactly what they told you last time I went in. "I just wasn't ready to work on my trauma".

When I left there they told me it would take possibly years till I started to actually work on the actual trauma. Jennifer started after three months. I wasn't ready. You wonder why I went off the deep end. Why my parts started acting out, that's why. I'm a lot more stable now that I am not working on the trauma. It's not called the "stabilization process" for no reason. I should be able to handle being off medications before I even start to process memories.

If you expect me to go into Sheppard Pratt and you expect them to start working on this stuff with me, you're deluded. They won't. They work on stabilization. Just like my outpatient therapist should be doing. I'm not ready to work on it and you're not listening to me. I want to go to Sheppard Pratt, because I want you to hear it from professionals and hopefully they can have a handle in finding me a better, more educated therapist in the world of DID.

You wish for me to be going into this group home so that I can work on this trauma but if I'm not stable enough to be doing it on my own, then I'm not stable enough period and therefore you are re-traumatizing me with this work and that's not how it's supposed to be. I need more time spent in stabilization, learning coping mechanisms. I think that wasn't made very clear coming out of Sheppard Pratt, so yes I will go back so that this can be made more clear. I'm not saying that I absolutely will not go into a group home. I am saying we will see what Sheppard Pratt has to say. They are the experts.

For the mean time I will not be told I just don't want to work on something, that I'm putting it off. Are you nuts? Girls spends YEARS in the stabilization process, stop pushing me through it. I will work at my own pace, as slowly and as non painfully as I wish. This is my life. This is my future. Not yours.