I have been becoming anxious towards my boyfriend this week. This is mostly due to his preoccupation with sexual activity, while my my mind is preoccupied with sorrow and fear about my daughters visiting my family in Ca (all of which I've recently carved out of my life). I am having horrible nightmares about family ~ it's pretty hard to get out of this mindset I'm stuck in.

Yet, my bf is similarly stuck in a mode of thinking ~ it's just sex. I'm hot. He wants me so bad. I'm beautiful. Blah, blah, blah. It doesn't mean sh*! All it means is that he's a man and I'm a woman. We're together & have enjoyed sex with one another before. Does that mean that I'm special?? I don't think so. In my experience, every man goes on and on about this baloney to get what they want. So, why should I believe my bf? How is he any different than every other guy that I've ever been with? If anything, this bf is the most openly focused on sex than any other man I've known.

With these negative thoughts, I can't allow myself to relax at all around my bf. Not having any friends (other than my bf and a couple of his friends), I have nobody. My family is gone to me. I cannot (will not) ever have anything to do with them again. My daughters are in Ca, and they're busy...I don't want to talk with family to see how they are either. I have nothing. The girls are the only thing that keeps me alive, because I couldn't accept screwing them up any more than I already have.

But, when my girls are taken out of the equation...I REALLY struggle to find some sense of hope. Paranoia is just the worst!! Please tell me if you can understand where I'm coming from. Am I making any sense to you, or am I just making false connections?