I've been having my own intrusive thoughts, of course about feelings for my T. I only emailed her once this week because I had a "good" session, but I have that ache-y "I miss T" feeling. It's because I brought up the 2 walks we went on during my session last year.

My T said some T walks with clients all the time; there's nothing wrong with it. I told T that what I remember about the walks, at least one of them, was her zipping up her coat. I felt good on the walk itself, but maybe "too good". I'm not sure what it means, thinking about her zipping up her coat. I'm embarrassed to think it was exciting, but what else could that be? I have no idea!!

I'd like to reframe it so it's "normal". I'd like to be able to go on more walks, since my T thinks it's a good thing to do even though I told her the above. Well, I didn't say "exciting", though I usually tell her everything.

I haven't thought about this for a long time, until I came up with "does feeling good with T have to be bad for me?" The walks made me feel close to T, and made her more real. I don't remember what we talked about, though it wasn't small talk. It WAS therapy.

I want to accept this "zipping up her coat" aspect. It bothers me that I'm thinking about something so insignificant, but you know. "Don't think about a pink elephant". Maybe because T and I were doing something together, something different. I remember asking her if we could go on more walks and she said yes. At the time, but there didn't seem to be a good opportunity then.

I know what the answer is. If the walks are therapeutic, they are okay. But if they are just a way for me to think about my T in "non-productive" ways, then they aren't good. I wish I could try one more time to see which it is. She won't be zipping up a coat in the summer!

I suppose I will bring this up in my session again. I never let her finish the sentence about the T who uses walks in his therapy all of the time. I often don't let her (and others) finish their sentences though I know it's rude. I have to work on that but I don't know I do it until someone tells me.