Trigger icon because I'm not sure about anything right now and the last thing I want is to upset anyone.

(Edit: There is no suicidal ideation here. I just wanted to make that perfectly clear)

Sorry.

I'm back visiting my family again at the family's place (I admantly refuse to call it home anymore)...

Why is it that the one group of people who should be there for you and make you happy have this ability to make me feel completely and totally worthless? I'm already stressed out about lots of little tiny things and my anxiety has slowly been rising over the course of days and I just can't take it anymore.

I have the most wonderful friend who has been there for me so much lately and all I know is that I'm hurting him. Nobody else has ever been this nice to me before (IRL) so how am I supposed to take it? I push him away and tell him I'm not worth it and that he should just quit trying and go help someone else that actually needs it. Any yet he stays.

My family keeps up with the constant never-ending jokes about EVERYTHING. It wouldn't be bad if they were funny, but they're not. How the *bleep* am I supposed to take it when they poke fun of and laugh at my friends, people the family knows and generally are jerks in regards to any one group of people? I've heard enough jokes and heard them laugh enough times about my friends and about those with disabilities and those who're depressed. Newsflash parents! I happen to love my friends who have always been there for me, and who are sure as *bleep* nicer to me than you all are. I've got a *bleeping* disability and you think that poking fun of others with disabilities is appropriate? NOT!! And those who suffer from depression. It AINT FUN. I may not be diagnosed as such, but it sure as *bleep* isn't appropriate to be talking in such a way. I wonder how they would take it if I told them I'd tried to kill myself so many times already? Or better yet, about my SIng? How the *bleep* would they take that?

I'm so tempted to do it. I can't feel any worse about my relationship (or lack thereof) with them than now, what the *bleep* do I have to lose? I don't like being around them anymore anyways.

BAH *BLEEPING* HUMBUG

The only people who I know actually give a crap about me are all of you nice people here, and some of my friends IRL that know all about my many bad habits and happenings.

I can't be helpful or supportive of any of you here or anywhere on the site... I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm sinking and its taking all my energy to stay afloat.

Now why is it that I can be truthful online but when I go to see my T, I'm all hunky-dorey? Its JUST NOT FAIR. Its not beneficial, I need help. Will keep on trying... maybe.

Crap, I'm now a big bundle of anxiety. I don't know how much longer I can be good tonight and keep myself safe. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore with myself.