Do you think the desire is about wanting to feel like you have a "real" relationship with her? (By "real" I only mean typical. I'm not trying to disparage the therapy relationship, but we all know it has limitations we don't encounter in other sorts of relationships.)

What sort of sticks out for me in what you've said above is that you want to see her at the gym, you want to run into her at the store, you want her to show you pictures, etc. To me that seems like it could be as much about the interaction between the two of you as it is about what you'd learn about her.

I suppose it could also be something in you that feels a need to invade others' boundaries. (I myself am terrified of accidentally crossing a T boundary, but sometimes I wonder if part of my terror isn't about knowing how strong the urge would be to make those crossings if I didn't keep it in check. Knowing that T would never allow such a crossing (or else that there would be consequences) I think I've trained myself to fear my own desire for it.)

But it sounds like this desire to cross boundaries isn't something you struggle with when it comes to other people. Is it because T is the one person with whom you can't have a typical relationship? Is it because you feel like she's the one person who could give you the kind of care you want (but that it won't be "real" unless it's not just one-sided or that she isn't giving you everything of herself?

It's tough, I know. And painful. T's are good at holding tight to boundaries most times. And they do it because it's what's best for us, even when we hate it. Just keep looking at it Squiggle, and I know you'll figure out what's good and right, and you'll find just what you need.