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Hi Carly011,
It’s good to know that somebody understands me and that I am not just nuts.
I’m glad that you have a team of people who can help you through your healing journey. I rely mostly on my therapist, as well as my husband. And on God. I don’t have any close friends in 3D life -- although I do have a couple of email friends, and it helps to have support here as well.
I think you nailed it on the head when you said that we’re afraid to change because we don’t know who we will be without the pain. It has become such a part of our identity. Even through my many years of repression and denial, I think the pain was always there. When I think back to my childhood, I remember a great deal of emotional pain, even when I was very young. As an adult, I learned to push it away so I could cope. Since my breakdown and entering into therapy, I am very aware of it again. It’s a big part of my “self.” I have not yet figured out how to separate out the traumas and pain--from who I am as a person. So that is what I need to work on in therapy.
Have you found out whether you are a candidate for inpatient or partial yet?
I wish the best for your healing.
Peaches
Hi Perna,
Everything you have said is ringing true with me. It makes sense. I don’t know why I am stuck in the stage of looking at the past, the traumas, and the pain. Like you said, what’s done is done. Now I’m in the present. But it’s like a part of me is still back there, going through the traumas over and over again. Like reliving it, like the movie Groundhog Day. I can’t seem to bump myself into the present. I guess I am still stuck feeling hurt, wishing it had been different, feeling like it was unfair, and just feeling sorry for myself in general. I don’t want to stay here, but I don’t know how to move on.
I’m really confused by how I’m reacting to the unburdening/letting go of pain work in therapy. When we practice letting go of the some of the pain, I should feel relief, feel better. But after we do it, during the following week, I notice myself feeling more anxious. My parts feel stirred up and needy (I’m dissociative but not DID). I seem to need my t’s support more, rather than less. Do you have any idea why this would be happening? I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m guessing it must be some sort of resistance, but I don’t feel like I have my heels dug in and am refusing to change. I feel willing, but steps forward are making me feel more anxious.
Peaches
Hi Lucydog,
I’m sorry you struggle with the same thing I do. It seems pretty sad that we are clinging to pain, rather than wanting to let it go. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that’s not healthy. But I have not figured out yet how to cross that bridge. I think I know “what” I need to do, but not “how” to do it. Maybe the best thing we can do is keep trying.
Peaches
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