Hi everyone, I've been a member to this site for awhile but this is my first time posting.

I was diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago but I've known I've had it for a year now. I think I showed signs of it since I was young. I grew up with an abusive step dad, I was even sexually abused by his best friends brother. When my mom and step dad finally divorced I lived with my mom most of the time. We moved around a lot, we were so poor that I would steal food so we could eat or we wouldn't eat at all. She also left me alone a lot so she could go and see her boyfriends. I had a lot of anger during my elementary years which escalated in my teen years. I got into fights, I'd fly into rages with my mother. When I was 15 I got into a fight with my mom and that was my breaking point and attempted suicide for the first time. I almost didn't make it but I did and I've been wishing my life ended then instead of living this way now.

I've gotten my rage under control to a point that I don't break things or yell at strangers in a grocery store when they won't get out of my way. However, when I'm angry over something usually with my s.o I could rant for days until I feel like he finally gets it then I'm all better.

I was in therapy for awhile. She didn't help me at all. I felt judged by her but I stuck with it because I was hoping she'd make me better like she promised. She diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder and said that she's start DBT therapy with me but never did. Once she realized she couldn't help me anymore she recommended me to a psychiatric day program at the hospital. I got accepted but there were a few conditions I had to meet first. My husband at that point had made the choice to leave me and because of that one of the stipulations to get in to the program was to have stable living and income, second was no binge eating, third no cutting, fourth no substance abuse. I had asked my therapist for help with these things but instead she said that she didn't need to see me anymore. That left me feeling alone and abandoned. I had an appointment with a housing complex that I was sure that I would get into but was rejected. My husband and I were still living in the same house at the time just until I could find a place to live. When I didn't get the condo he said that I would have to look in another town and within a week I'm moving an hour away to stay with a friend who is an unmedicated Bi polar. You can imagine how that went. Anyway, these events lead me to not be able to go to the day program.

Since all that I managed to find a job and move back into my house while my husband moved out. This should make me happy instead the stress of everything has made me spiral. Then a few weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. Since that happened I am barely functioning. I have no support group. I am completely alone. The depression got the best of me and I made another suicide attempt a few days ago. I have no memory of what happened, all I know is I woke up in the hospital alone in a room they locked me in. I think I spent a full 24 hours there and they let me go. I had no purse or wallet and had to find a ride home. Because of this what little support I did have is now gone. My ex won't talk to me my biological dad won't talk to me. I hate myself for putting my family through hell but I can't stop wishing that this attempt was successful.

I am 35 years old and all I want is to be dead or happy. I want to be able to function like "normal" people, I want to be able to keep a job and I want to be a good mother to my kids. I can't seem to accomplish any of these.

Anyway, that is my story. I am sorry if it sounds jumbled or confusing. I'm having a hard time collecting my thoughts.

Thank you for listening.