Hey fourwalls, I just read your post and I'm brand new to this site. I feel like I can relate a tiny bit to what you wrote. I was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for a year until thank God my parents were able to borrow some money and put me on a plane, and anyway before that time I was drinking a lot and taking pills and doing all kinds of drugs- whatever I thought would help, but I thought I had it under control. I just turned 26 earlier this month and in April I had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized. For a college grad with good jobs I also felt like it's super effing lame living with my parents again unemployed, but I realized it's not forever- even if it feels like it sometimes it's only temporary, whether temporary is a few months or a few years. And the doctors don't have a freaking clue what's wrong with me- or why I even ended up in the hospital. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home, and the person I was in love with died in a car accident when I was 20, so they don't know if I have depression, bipolar disorder (my mom has that), PTSD, or what. It's so frustrating trying to get over a problem when you don't know what the problem is. I really admire your taking steps to try to deal. Maybe it doesn't feel like it, but you are getting somewhere. And for what it's worth, it always helps me to know I'm not alone. Personally, I was an athiest, but it might help you to try reading some of Deepak Chopra's work. I've been doing some of his guided meditation and it has really helped me out, because I like to have control so much of the way I feel and think, it helps to just kind of let it go. I've also been seeing a therapist who saw me at my absolute worst, and though it's taken some time, she's been a great help. I hope your experience will be helpful to you also. Anyway, I am so sorry to read you've been having such a hard time, but feel free to vent or whatever! We're all here to help each other as best as we can. For me, it all helps a little, and a little turns into a long way.