I sincerely hope you can get to a therapist or a shrink. No one should try to handle something like this alone. Your life is valuable and you have made progress with BPD, which shows you can go even further. I have wanted to die and almost succeeded in doing it. At the time it seemed the only way out, I couldn't bear the pain a moment longer. But when the anti-depressants kicked in I looked back and thanked God I didn't kill myself. When we're in these terrifying places it seems that it will always be like that, that we're failures, etc. It isn't true. What I did was decide to not kill myself TODAY until I got the help I needed.

1) call someone, anyone and talk about it 2) get to a doctor and ask for recommendation for shrink 3) go out and try fast walking (it does help depression) or go to the movies, a mall. When we isolate our misery magnifies.

You had a very brutal childhood (as I did). We're survivors. God bless you.