So I have a team who is forcing me to skip the step where you get to know your system. Which would be fine, if I didn't have DID. So basically they're moving right in memory recall. And every time it happens I end up very sick. I am trying to explain to them that I'm not ready for memory recall and then they're responding with "then you're not ready for trauma work! So we'll just give you a regular therapist again". But that regular therapist can't help me discover my system, I know this because I have been with this same regular therapist for three years and I know nothing about my system. I was just diagnosed in March. I don't even know exactly how many exist. Maybe somewhere around 15? I don't know names. I don't know wants or needs or triggers or ANYTHING. Nothing. I am still learning a lot. I need a safe therapist who will help me discover this stuff. It takes years to learn this stuff, before you start recalling memories. And they seem to think I should be recalling memories right away and that should be my main focus, which traumatizes me and makes me very sick.

Does anyone know any scholarly articles I could point them towards or give me some good words on how to explain to them that? Because they're sticking me between a rock and a hard place, they said any specialist therapist I try and get they will tell them that I am suicidal, so that I can't work with them. I told them "I only get sick when you memory recall, a specialist wouldn't do that", but they're not listening to me.

Now they don't even want to send me to Sheppard Pratt, because "I'm not willing to work on my trauma", because I'm not willing to work on recalling memories at this time. Sheppard Pratt would never work on recalling memories for me anyway. They'd be stabilizing me still. So if they think I would walk in Sheppard Pratt and they would do all this memory recall, they're deluded.

They say I'm wishy washy, they have me twisted in 14 different directions and never follow through with anything... my anxiety is so high and I am in so many knots. I asked that the one caseworker who is doing most of this be removed from my case, because I can't handle her. She's constantly picking fights with me and adding all this drama to my life that never exists otherwise. I live a drama free life. I have to. For my health. I feel like getting drama from a caseworker is just ridiculous and unnecessary.

I was so upset about having to go to Sheppard Pratt and then I finally accepted it and then she's like "nope we're not sending you". Like it was that easy. It was a big deal for me. It made a lot of things go wonky in my life. I'm pretty sensitive. I can't help it.