Quote:
Originally Posted by LydiaB
So I have a team who is forcing me to skip the step where you get to know your system. Which would be fine, if I didn't have DID. So basically they're moving right in memory recall. And every time it happens I end up very sick. I am trying to explain to them that I'm not ready for memory recall and then they're responding with "then you're not ready for trauma work! So we'll just give you a regular therapist again". But that regular therapist can't help me discover my system, I know this because I have been with this same regular therapist for three years and I know nothing about my system. I was just diagnosed in March. I don't even know exactly how many exist. Maybe somewhere around 15? I don't know names. I don't know wants or needs or triggers or ANYTHING. Nothing. I am still learning a lot. I need a safe therapist who will help me discover this stuff. It takes years to learn this stuff, before you start recalling memories. And they seem to think I should be recalling memories right away and that should be my main focus, which traumatizes me and makes me very sick.
Does anyone know any scholarly articles I could point them towards or give me some good words on how to explain to them that? Because they're sticking me between a rock and a hard place, they said any specialist therapist I try and get they will tell them that I am suicidal, so that I can't work with them. I told them "I only get sick when you memory recall, a specialist wouldn't do that", but they're not listening to me. 
Now they don't even want to send me to Sheppard Pratt, because "I'm not willing to work on my trauma", because I'm not willing to work on recalling memories at this time. Sheppard Pratt would never work on recalling memories for me anyway. They'd be stabilizing me still. So if they think I would walk in Sheppard Pratt and they would do all this memory recall, they're deluded.
They say I'm wishy washy, they have me twisted in 14 different directions and never follow through with anything... my anxiety is so high and I am in so many knots. I asked that the one caseworker who is doing most of this be removed from my case, because I can't handle her. She's constantly picking fights with me and adding all this drama to my life that never exists otherwise. I live a drama free life. I have to. For my health. I feel like getting drama from a caseworker is just ridiculous and unnecessary.
I was so upset about having to go to Sheppard Pratt and then I finally accepted it and then she's like "nope we're not sending you". Like it was that easy. It was a big deal for me. It made a lot of things go wonky in my life. I'm pretty sensitive. I can't help it. |
for me the steps to healing from DID did not include things like getting to kn0ow my system.. there are a lot of people that are unable to work on things like finding out who their alters are, how many there are, why they are there and all that... the reason being is because the alters hold memories of trauma.
a mild example... one of my alters held the trauma memory of not being able to breath. She held that memory away from me because I could not handle it.
since I could not handle doing memory recall work on situations of this event...ie I would become unstable, suicidal, acting out, panic attacks... there was no way to learn about who this alter is, I could not even learn through my own process that she was there.
because she held trauma memories for me there was no working on discovering my system of alters in any shape or form that this alter was involved with.
another example where I could not do work on discovering who and what my system of alters was is
many of my alters held trauma memories of sex acts. they held them for me because my remembering them was too hard for me to handle.
So any time we tried to do all these scholarly advised stuff on learning about your system of alters we could not do it because every time I tried to do any memory recall work on any sexual content I would become unstable with panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks..
unfortunately lydia with a majority of people like me with DID that I know, if they cant handle doing trauma work they cant handle doing work on learning about their system of alters because alters carry the burden of holding traumatic memories.
for many people like me with DID the first step is learning coping tools like grounding, safety, establishing a good foundation, then the next step is working on trauma work including working on memory recall work,
then after memory recall work begins and the alters learn the host is able to handle knowing more about what they have been through, then the work on discovering the alters like learning who they are, what memories they hold, why they are there, what trauma caused them to come into being... happens.
for me it was only after I went through stabilization, trauma work including memory recall work that my alters started letting me in on who they were, what memories they hold, why they were there, what their job/purpose/reason for being was..all that stuff that comes with discovering your internal system of alters is all about..
I have a suggestion... if you think you are ready to discover who your alters are, what memories they hold, how many there is and all that... show your treatment providers...they can read and read and read all kinds of articles out there just by typing in the words "Dissociative Identity Disorder" into a computer... theres thousands and thousands out there... and they can go to this workshop that seminar on and on and on but none of that is going to say to them...lydia is ready to do the work.
whats going to point them in the direction of what needs to be done and when is you.
you will need to show them you are ready for what ever step you want to do.
you show them by doing it. you sit down and you write what you do remember, and you write some more and you write some more...you keep writing until you have all the details to that memory you already know happened. thats memory recall work. granted its on something that you already know about but thats how people start doing memory recall work..they start with something they know about then they slowly move into things they dont know about....
as you do this your alters that were involved with this event you are writing about may pop out to add their own input/views of what happened.
as you go along doing your own kind of memory work writing drawing, painting, taking a walk while thinking about that known memory what ever works for you, take it in to your treatment providers, explain what you have done, read what you have done to them..immerse them into what you are doing.
as they see you are in fact discovering your alters through doing light memory work they may encourage you to do more like making a family tree of those alters that have popped out to help you with that known memory...
bottom line is you have to set the tone here with them, you can fight them, you can set out trying to educate them but nothing is going to point them to what is best for you except you doing the work.
some people can just sit down and list their alters on a piece of paper without going through the work of stabilizing, trauma work memory recall work because they are co conscious with their alters (they can hear them they can stay semi present and know what their alters are saying and doing.
but for others like me with little to no co consciousness the way was the hard way, first stabilizing, being able to handle the present, learn about safely and able to keep my self safe and then able to do the trauma work and able to do the memory work then deal with what the alters are and what they hold.
I still dont know all the alters I had and what they held.
healing is possible without going through the steps of developing co consciousness, discovering your internal system of alters like who they are, how many is there, what memories to they hold.
those that really do mattered showed their self as I did the work.