<font color="#000088"> I know it has been weeks since I even said hello to all my friends on here whom have done SO much as far as being there for me. I wanted to apologize and also explain what has happened....

First, I have lost my housing AGAIN - the 2nd time since November 05. I had to move in w/my 'pseudo-mother-in-law', but in a way it was a blessing in disguise due to my prior living situation. At least I am not being ridiculed on a daily basis for being this way.... I had no access to the internet, ergo no way to even get on here... Getting to a library was out of the question for obvious reasons (good ol' panic disorder w/AG)...

I've literally gone up and down SOOO many times that I can't remember anything over the last month. I went to my P-doc on Friday and was denied seeing her bcuz, accourding to them, I have not answered my therapists requests for an appointment. Mom was with me and she threw a fit- everything from "I take care of the man" to "I'm bringing my entire phone call log - on paper from the phone co. (it logs each and every incoming and outgoing call) so I can not only prove that you idiots haven't called, but how many times WE have called you and no one ever calls back or acknowledges the voice mails.

By them denying me access to the doc that day, I am now WITHOUT MY MEDS - ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! The nurse who was with us during the whole 'debate' has claimed they will deliver my meds and scripts on Tuesday to my new 'home' since I cannot drive the longer distance from where I am at. How in the HELL can they just 'cut you off' and then sit there and say "you will be OK we will get this taken care of on Tuesday"... Don't they know the consequences of NOT taking your meds? Don't they hound us each and every time with "are you taking your meds?" and then she has the audacity to do this all over not seeing (or respoding to these alleged phone calls) a therapist?

I can't afford to go anywhere else as this is the State-sponsored one (Medicaid)... I don't understand how my Medicaid is only good there, only good for Psych. care, but as far as a regular doctor goes, I'm nowhere to be found in the system... This has ALL just made me fly off the deep edge.......

So I go to the Urgent care this AM bcuz I am literally crawling out of my skin and guess what - this so-called doctor (and when I'm through w/her, she won't be practicing anymore) said she can't do ANYTHING for me because this is not an 'urgent matter' and I need to call their answering service OR go get admitted into the hospital. I tried to say something else and she held her hand up and turned her head away and said "I already told you - there's nothing we can do here for you"... I said " You can't even write out 4 G.D. scripts for medications I cannot go without" and she just sighed and walked out the door.... Now, I cant even partially understand the reluctance to write out the RX's - ANY doctor knows what abruptly stopping medications does to a person I even brought the old bottles w/me and she could care less.....

This is now day #3 that I have gone without my meds and I'm losing grip with reality. Literally... Since about 1PM, I've had the shakes, sweats, and I cannot sit still for more than a minute... I am deathly afraid to go to the ER bcuz I do NOT want to be admitted for something that can easily be cured by giving me my medications... Has anyone ever heard of asking a pharmacist to dispense a one or two-day supply for meds due to emergency situations like this? Is this even an option? Or should I just go off myself now while I still have the lick of sense to do it/remember what I am supposed to do.....

No one is here right now and I have NO clue what I am capable of in the next two minutes.... I'm trying to concentrate on just sitting here and reading posts over and over and overagain... I have notes all around to "read PC posts" so if I DO get up and go spastic, I can at least read them and know what I'm supposed to be doing.... Has anyone else ever had to go without their meds cold-turkey? Is this deadly? I'm on seroquel, depakote ER, Xanax, Paxil CR, and Zyprexa.... Maybe I'll find a way to get down there in the AM and just go off - it's not like I'd even have to try hard at all...........

Sorry for all the jumping around inthis post and sorry for being so crude - I'm just so not in touch with reality right now I don't know who or what I am....... </font>