I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is very moving. Words will probably not heal what you feel atm... It will take time to get beynd the hurt, but you will be able to heal... in time.

But for now, have you considered talking to a counsellor about it, or a support group in your area?

Also, have you any family in the meantime (parents, uncles, siblings or friends) who might give you some support.

Wishing you strength.