(((geez))),

I think we are in the same place too. When I am with my therapist and he tells me that I will learn to re-establish myself, I can't truely see it yet and I still feel lost.
I do see that I have gained a lot of ground, but I have not yet gotten to a point where I am at peace with myself yet. I am the most uncomfortable around my family whom I feel is just waiting for me to go back to the me that I am not going to be anymore. And sometimes I can get snappy when I am in an interaction with my husband where he treats me like he used to and I allowed it to happen. I can't tune things out like I used to, now they bother me and I get angry.

I find it frustrating because I DO see the good parts about my husband too. But I just don't want to go back to the way I somehow allowed him to have a certain amount of control over me.

And I know he gets frustrated and he feels like he is walking on eggshells around me.
I don't quite know how to explain to him that I am just becoming more aware of the way I tuned so much out before and I am just not sure where to put this new awareness that I have. And he doesn't even have to say anything because his body language says it even though he is trying not to pressure me.

What I have recognized is that I am more at ease with strangers because they don't have the goods on how I was, so I don't feel that pressure of being expected to just be that me that wasn't healthy for me in some way. I don't want to be expected to be that person anymore. Do I know who I am going to be yet? No not really, because I am still looking at the unheathy parts of me I wasn't consciously aware of.
And I do get angry when my husband treats me like the old me that I can't be anymore and I can't seem to accurately explain it to him either. I don't want to hurt him because he didn't understand how the old me was really due to my past and how I somehow adapted in ways that I just avoided, or shut things out. I cannot shut things out anymore like I used to. And, I have not learned to have a comfortable bearing on this new awareness that I have. It is just too hard to put into words right now.

Just know geez that not all the ways you adapted were bad. You will be surprised that some of how you managed your life was healthy and that you can still utilize these parts and build on them. So you will not be a total stranger to yourself. The uncomfortable part is slowly exposing that vulnerable part in a way where you wont feel completely vulnerable.

Open Eyes