I am going through a divorce. It sucks, but as far as divorces go, easy. We don't own anything together and have no kids. Should be cut and dry, but it never is. I have gone back and forth on the divorce. I had a girlfriend who was awesome only to destroy that relationship to go back to my wife to try and fix it due to immense guilt. Rinse and repeat that cycle a few times.

I've been off meds since I left the wife and only recently dx'd with BP but it was always there. The meds I took worked well enough to keep me 'okay' for the 8 years I was on them, but since I was just dx'd as depressed (back then) it wasn't the best possible combo. None the less, I was medicated and good for my wife besides the lack of sex we had due to side effects from my meds.

Finally, here I am, strong enough to carry forward with the divorce so I am trying to work with her to end it at the next trail. If we can't agree to end it at the next trial, it goes to a final trial which is 90 to 120 days away (our court system is terrible, btw). I have given her almost $850 a month in various paid expenses since I left, pay her cell phone, etc. since I left last August. I have agreed to give her more money (in the low 4 figures) if she agrees to end it on July 30th so we don't have to go to a final trial.

Here is what I get....

"I deserve far better than that for all the years, 9, that I spent with you and dealing with your bipolar disorder putting much disorder in my being"

So.... I was medicated and somewhat stable for her. Never abused her (mentally or physically), was a rock for her, supported her while she lost job after job due to her inability to get anywhere on time.

I have taken ALL of our joint debt so she doesn't take any of it (this is in the low 5 figures), given her all that money since I left and offered even more. She has 90% of our possessions (I took a bed, a dressed and TV, that's it).

But it isn't enough because I was bipolar? Apparently those 8 years we spent together were torture for her even though she fights so hard to get me back sometimes?

Yeah, I have to consider how 'hard' it was to have a man support her and love her to best of his abilities, but I got zero consideration for the fact I put up with someone who was an alcoholic and mentally abusive to me for years.

Where did it get so twisted? It would be easier to just go back to her since she'd be slightly less mentally abusive. But I won't, I know how bad that is. Just not sure if I can survive the next few months while I wait for this to be over.

I called into work today, supposed to go to a baseball game tonight. I can't do it. I can't live like this, I guess I ruined her life even though I tried my hardest to be good for her.