Hi PsychCentral community. So, I've been having mental problems lately, and after weeks and weeks of research and trying to figure out what exactly is going on with me, I think finally have an idea. I think I might be developing bipolar disorder. I know an internet forum is no place for a diagnosis, I just want to share what I'm experiencing with you guys, and see whether or not you can relate to my symptoms, or if you think they sound like bipolar. I'd appreciate it.

I'm a college student (21, male) and incredibly busy during the school year. Too busy to really focus on my mental state, as I had so much going on. I will say that I had frequent bouts of night depression, but this had been going on for several years and by then I was just used to it. I had been attending summer school the previous summer, so this is really my first break in two years of non-stop school.

I found that in this period of inactivity, my previously smothered emotions and metal state caught up with me. I started to develop just flat out depression, rather than just the night depression I had been experiencing before. Or at least I thought it was depression. I wasn't debilitated by it, like I could still get out of bed and interact with people (usually faking like I was fine), however I just couldn't seem to focus or concentrate on anything and would often just lay on the floor or do meaningless tasks.

During these moments of depression I also felt/feel a decent amount of anxiety. I get irritable with people over incredibly small things, I have flashes of energy/anger, and generally feel restless. I could be happy if someone told a funny joke or something like that, and at times hanging out with friends makes me feel better, but I always experience happiness and anxiety together, with an undercurrent of depression. I didn't seriously consider the idea that I might be bipolar until now, as I like most uninformed people, had always associated bipolar with rolling ups and downs, which is the case for some but not the only way the disorder manifests itself. In addition I had always thought that the mania experienced by those with bipolar was always euphoric, so I really didn't entertain the idea that I could be bipolar.

Last night I learned about dysphoric mania, where one feels anxious and irritable rather than euphoric. I also learned about mixed episodes, where one experiences dysphoric or euphoric mania and depression at the same time. This seems to really describe what I've been going through. I had never previously experienced the dysphoric mania separate from the depression or had a hypomanic episode (at least I haven't been aware of it or just didn't consider it ). That is until last night.

Earlier that night I was with friends, which felt better than being at home alone, but I was still experiencing a mixed episode with dysphoric mania. When I got home, I started researching bipolar more and was reading about hypomanic and manic episodes, when I started to experience one myself, slowly but surely. The anxiety I was experiencing earlier with my friends increased, and I started to feel numb in places, body tingles, and hot and cold flashes. After an hour or so, I just felt plain energetic, and couldn't sleep. I didn't even really feel like I needed to sleep. My head and eyes where somewhat tired, but my body was completely alert and agitated. I began to feel the closest thing I'd ever felt to euphoric, but still with slight undercurrents of depression.

I ended up staying up all night, and by the time it was about 6:00 AM I felt GREAT. I felt like I could conquer the world. The past few months my head has been really foggy and I had even experienced on and off derealization. Everything was so blurry and unreal. This morning I felt so clear headed. The world looked crisp and clear, it was like my senses were on overdrive. I hadn't felt this good in years!

This was really great, but then I did something weird. Something VERY out of character for me. Like I said before, I'm 21, but you should know that I don't drink. I've only been tipsy off wine once in my life (which looking back, could have been a similar albeit milder episode), and that's it. Other than that, I had never touched alcohol. Get this. This morning, at 6:30 after staying up all night, I left my house, walked 30 minutes to a gas station, bought a $30 bottle of Absolut Vodka, walked 30 minutes back home, ate a small amount of food, and got drunk. ................WHAT?!?!?!

So yeah, I got drunk at 8:00 AM and just kind of walked about my house doing nothing but listen to music. Eventually I had too much, flopped my bed, and apparently passed out as I woke up at 2:30 PM. So I, after staying up all night in a hypomanic episode, walking an hour, getting drunk for the first time with hard liquor on no sleep and very little food, and then passing out for 5 hours, feel fine. I feel fine. A little weird, considering what I just did o_O, but I don't have a hangover or anything. In fact, I still feel kind of hypomanic. I feel like if I wouldn't have had that strange adventure, I would have just stayed awake feeling equally energetic. I could dance, hike, or something else like that and feel fine. Part of me regrets doing something so stupid and weird (the rational part) and wants to throw away the bottle and never do that again, but the manic part of me doesn't really give a ****. So overall I feel very, very strange. I'm also starting to talk really really fast.

So what the heck is wrong with me??? This is soooo out of character for me. The thing is, I over think everything I do (very ocd-ish), especially lately as I've been trying to analyze myself trying to figure out what I might have if anything. I'm skeptical and part of me thinks I made myself feel this way, and it isn't real. Like I hadn't had a full on hypomanic episode until the very night I happened to be researching them, that seems a little ridiculous to me. The feelings are real, but did I induce them myself? Is it possible to trigger a hypomanic episode by thinking about it a lot? Is this something someone with bipolar might do? Or am I just doing this because I want to find out what's wrong with me, so I self-fulfill having the symptoms of bipolar?

In addition to the dysphoric mania, mixed episodes, and now a hypomanic episode (?), I have rolling self-esteem where I feel really good about myself and then times where I feel ugly and worthless, periods of mental dullness and really creative thinking, and alternating periods of great optimism and pessimism.

So finally after spewing this all on you, I am wondering if I might actually legitimately have bipolar, or if I'm making it all up or just simply have something else. Does this sound reminiscent of bipolar to you guys? Am I just a hypochondriac? I read that early 20's is a common age to develop bipolar.

I had made an appointment at a clinic and had a mental health screening a month ago, but it was for depression mostly as I hadn't yet looked into bipolar. I actually cancelled the appointment because I would wake up thinking I didn't need a therapist, but then at night when the symptoms really kicked in I feel like I need one. Now I really think I need one after last night/today, and I'm going to make an appointment as soon as I'm done typing this.