It had been a few weeks, but I got to see T today which was nice. It was an interesting session. We talked a great deal about redefining our relationship. As I told him, things have changed over the last few months. For years I relied on him to just get me through, but I really don't need him that way anymore. I've come to be able to do that for myself. "So what do I need from him now?" he asks. Good question. That's kind of where we are.

I'm very stable and have been for some time now. He asked me how I feel about that. I told him my gut tells me I'm going to be fine, but I still distrust my stability to stay stable (if that makes any sense). He said he really thinks I'm going to be fine also; something is very different this time, more secure. I'm not carrying around all that old stuff anymore like I used to he says, and he's right. That old stuff really has just become old stuff to me now. I don't have much interest in it, it almost never comes up for me, and when it does I can look at it pretty objectively, briefly and let it go. I don't dwell on it anymore. Huge difference. It no longer runs my life.

Currently I'm unmedicated for the first time in over 7 years (due to circumstances not particularly under my control), and so far things are fine. I do have my meds now (as of yesterday) but I may hold off a bit and see how things pan out. My pdoc has said much of my depression (not all of it but much of it) was PTSD related while a significant portion is bipolar related, but I've made so much progress now along the PTSD lines that perhaps things are different for me medically. We'll see. I'll keep a watchful eye. My T said he wasn't even going to give me his usual lecture about my needing to stay on my meds right now because he sees me as so different from where I used to be. He had to admit; even he trusts my ability to stay stable and/or handle the mood fluctuations when they come in a way that he never has before.

We had a lively discussion/debate about mindfulness. It will be ongoing I suspect. We don't see eye to eye on this. We'll keep talking.

I won't see him for another almost two weeksish since next week is the 4th of July and on Thursday I finally have all my testing done, so I just pushed our appointments into the week after. I'm on summer vacation; I like to keep my appointment schedule loose. Gotta have time to sit by the pool and bask in the sun.

I told T that in the last few weeks I have finally picked up my Bible and started studying again. I haven't touched it since before my sister died. He said that was very significant. I think so too. Maybe I'm headed back in the right direction and regaining that sense of peace that was lost in all the turmoil and grief.

Well, I'm going to try to head back to bed. I had gone to bed really early this evening; just couldn't keep my eyes open. So of course, I woke up at one in the morning wide awake. Always happens. But Scott and I are headed to a water exercise class in the morning, so I need to get some rest. Nighty-night.