So here goes it.
I'm 19. I think I have anxiety.
I'm scared almost constantly. I worry and obsess over little things over and over. Not emotional or social situations really, just little things. Laundry, house cleaning, bills. The normal stuff I guess.
I guess I have had a pretty messed up life. I've never really talked about it all and I want to get it all out..
My mother had spinabifida, she was confined to a wheelchair her whole life, I have two older siblings from a different father. I was removed from my mothers custody when I was six and my brother, sister and I went to live with my aunt.
My mother was a good person, just not a great mother I guess. She couldn't take care of us due to her health and was often in and out of the hospital. She loved us, but I think she knew she was in over her head and at some point she just gave up. I never knew my father. The little I do know about him isn't good. He was apparently a drug addict and abused my mother. He died of AIDS before I got the chance to try and find him myself. My mother passed away when I was ten. Even though I didn't live with her I was very close to her and it hit me pretty hard. About a month later I was removed from my aunts care. The four years we lived there were pretty difficult. My Aunt and uncle were pretty strange. I wasn't aloud to watch tv, use a computer or a phone. I was never aloud to grow my hair out as a form of punishment for bad grades and because of that I was teased in school quite a bit for looking like a boy. Both myself and my brother were grounded for the complete four years we lived there. Punishment usually consisted of being hit with a paddle or made to stand with our nose to the wall or against a tree, usually for hours, sometimes all day or very late into the night. I remember on at least a few occasions falling asleep against the wall or at least once or twice wetting myself because I wasn't aloud to move. We had some good times there, it wasn't all terrible. So anyways I went into fostercare, I had some good homes but I always managed to mess things up. I fought with other kids, and with the adults. when I was twelve I lost my virginity to a man I thought I was in love with who was also my parental figure at the time. Our "relationship" lasted a few months until his wife finally kicked me out, saying I had "had drug problem" I never said a word to anyone about it because I didn't want to get him in trouble. right before I turned 13 I ended up in the same situation with another father figure, that relationship lasted longer and there was nothing :loving: about it. I was scared and embarrassed and he used that to his advantage. Eventually his own arrogance got him caught and when I was 16 he was put in jail, he gets released two days before my 21st birthday. I aged out of foster care when I was 18, I'm a student and I live with my boyfriend of 4 years and our three roommates. I've grown up alot and I thought I had my life under control until the last month or so. One day I woke up and I was absolutely terrified, I was sick and scared and I started panicking. I had gone through panic attacks before but only small ones that lasted a few hours. This one lasted a complete week. There were no breaks, no few minutes where I calmed down, I didn't eat, I hardly slept, I felt like I was having a heart attack the whole time. It was the scariest feeling of my life. I kept trying to tell myself If I could just eat something or get a full nights sleep I would feel better but that wasn't working. Then after a week it just stopped half way through the day. Even though it stopped I still feel scared. in the months leading up to it I had stopped going out because every time I got in the car I got anxious and sick. Now that's gone but I still don't feel like me, it's like there is something still hanging out in the back of my head that I can't shake.
I don't know that I can ever remember a time where I felt 100% ok, but I want to at least feel better than I do now. I'm sad and scared and the smallest things can set me off. I've always been one of those people that have been in fairly decent control of my emotions, and i've heard over and over how "strong" I am. I don't feel that way now. I feel overwhelmed. I hurt. I want to hide somewhere and not worry about anything and just get away but I know I can't. I don't see how I can keep going through the motions when at the end of the day I feel stuck in the same messed up emotional rut.