i've had two attacks of major depression in past 5 years..the recent one being in last year. i got medication both times...and im sure i've been pretty depressed at other times too. i dunno whether i m clinically depressed nowadays or not...and thats why i need your opinion on this. im sorry if it gets too long to read but i think i should tell you a bit about whats happening in my life lately.

so i've got my degree! thats so important because it has remained my main problem and cause of depression in last 5 years. somehow i managed o get through university. my other major problem was 'failed relationships' mainly with guys. the guy whom i really loved and who left me when i needed him came back to me off and on...and i eventually decided that he wasnt the one for me la2 years ago. in between, i liked other guys too. (please dont judge me on this..its not like i cheated on any of these guys...and it was never a physical relationship between us. my recent affair has lasted for about one year. this guy told me clearly that he wouldnt marry me (due to many issues) and so i got engaged to another guy on my family's demand and pressure. and then all of a sudden this guy again wanted to be with me. i dont like my fiance at all...but i'll have to marry him because of social issues. currently im in love with my ex-bf but im sure that he's cant put up with my mess any more. he aint caring any more and i can easily sense that he has quite moved on.

i've got my degree now BUT i so hate my work routine. its so hectic for a lazy and irresonsible girl like me but i have to go this job nonetheless because nobody would financially support me,which is correct because my parents have paid for my tuition and i should atleast now start supporting myself.

so i dont enjoy my work. i've been eating a lot lately because after 12-14 hours shift daily,i tr to find solace in eating good..which works for me to an extent but is resulting in weight gain. i dont wear good clothes when i go to work.i mean i dont WANT to be in good clothes when i go to work even though i've got some nice dresses in my wardrobe. i just dont feel like wearing them. i dint use to be like this a coule of months ago and atleast took care of what i wear even though i wasnt particularly happy. i dont socialize with people anymore. i dont CARE anymore whether i should make new friends (as my old ones are pretty fepd up of me) i dont talk to my family much. and i feel resenful and annoyed and angry at almost all the time. i dont like responsibilities to be put up on me and its happening already!! at present most of the people around me are unhappy with me. even my seniors at work say that i not competent..which make me cry when they pass such comments infront of me. :'(

so my life at present is : i've got a university degree. im over weight. i've got a job on contract which i dont like at all. i feel tired and exhausted all the time. my family doent SHOW care for me because they talk to me very less now..i think they are having problems of their own. im engaged but im in love with another guy with whom i broke up (we've broken up with each other) because he says that what we have between us isnt a relationship any more...and he started getting annoyed by all the things which i say ..and used to say...and contacted me very less. and im not happy. i feel sad all the time. i TRY to make myself happy by trying to give **** to whats going on..but still im not happy. im not living a purposeful life. but i cant commit suicide aswell because then i'll be doomed for eternity. so im......stuck!

am i depressed??? is this another attack?