Whenever I think I'm going to feel better depression just slaps a dumb reality check in my face! I can't stand knowing that last spring, I told myself that a year from then, I would feel much better. But it's here and it doesn't go away! I've failed two classes and I've lost a bunch of financial aid, I don't have the money to pay rent tomorrow and I won't get work until fall. My parents don't want me in their house and it almost seems like my adoptive mother has lost her sympathy for me.

I don't know what I have to do. I'm tired of this plaguing me! I've made a lot of great life styles changes lately. I've been exercising, cooking my own food, being around friends, and I don't have internet anymore so I draw, read, and write instead. This has only been for the past two weeks, so it has not been enough time for these things to help. But I'm upset that I have to try so hard to keep my life together! All it takes is a few falters and I'm off the wagon. I fall apart so easily.

I'm scared that one day I will be alone and unemployed. I won't have the motivation to get a job and will maybe be homeless. I am too afraid to die but the pain is unbearable. If I lost all of my support I don't think I would want to stay alive for long.

I have started keeping a journal to vent my thoughts. I try to balance the good thoughts with the bad thoughts. I recognize negative behavior that I've have had in the past, but this only makes me feel like a loser, and even more hopeless. I realize how long it feels that I have struggled and I can't help but think that my mind has just got itself stuck where it is.

It's not just depression, it's anxiety. I get so worked up over little things -- I get startled and feel a wave of fear from simple things like someone talking to me or someone closing the door. My mind is just bathed in all these painful signals.

I just don't want to live a life where I have to learn how to cope with living!