MAY BE TRIGGERING, please take care of yourself

Today -- five days now -- I have no energy. The memories, especialy the emotions from when I was raped as a child are just so incredibly sad right now. I can't work and I can hardly speak, even to those I know care for me. I tried calling a friend tonight, but I was speaking so quietly she could hardly hear me. I'm just so tired of fighting. I want to curl up and wimper and go to sleep, but I feel like I'll just wake up and still feel like this. It's been that way for five days. I just keep seeing myself tied to those stairs helpless as they took what they wanted from my body.

I'm also worried. I've never had a big problem with depression -- a day or two usually. Anxiety and fear I've had lots of, pretty much nonstop, but the depression I've been spared until now. I want to snap out of this, it just isn't happening this time. I guess some days I'm not feeling so strong. This weekend I could have smashed the rapists to bits, but they could be standing here right now and I don't feel like I could even push them.

I really want my life back. It's been so long. I'm praying for strength. Not sure where its gone. I'm not giving up, but I not functioning right now.

mtd