as i said before, i'm dx bipolar, but i suspect i may have a PD because there are traits of my behaviour that are pretty extreme and that are there regardless of whether i'm having a bipolar episode. i've spoken to my parents and they said that there were dozens of strange things i did as a kid that they just got used to accommodating, and which remain even though i'm almost 30, many of which read like a diagnosis list for PD. however, there's one thing that's concerning me....

i'm actually not sure about the whole BPD thing, loads of it does fit, especially the abandonment thing, but on the face of it i am and always have been fiercely independent. the very idea of depending on someone else makes me angry, i just don't think i could do it!

it's weird because as i said the vast majority of my (manic/angry) episodes have happened on the day or day after my parents going away, and also, one time, i was sharing a flat with a girl, 8 years younger than me, and she had to move out for financial reasons. i'd been a little bit stressed anyway but when she told me that i tried to sui. which seems really bizarre - there was no way i was losing a friend, and that's carried on we're still mates now, but it was a total "OHMYGOD what am i going to do????" type thing.

but even knowing i've done stuff like that, i'm ridiculously independent. i hate the idea of going out with someone - being tied down to them, having to accommodate them, being dependent on them or the other way around (i had an ex who was really possessive and i actually asked him to cheat on me just so he'd leave me alone!). i don't even like going to the cinema with other people, even friends, because they just get in the way of what i want to do. it's like i'm inherently incredibly selfish and the only way to deal with it is to cut other people out of the equation.

does that make sense? i mean, the abandonment thing definitely seems to be a sticking point, as does the lack of attachment as an infant but the independence seems to be at odds with that. or am i just saying "i'd rather be alone than in any relationship that could even remotely possibly become too intense"?