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I have written something similar to this thread in another forum a while ago. However this now is more relevant to my situation now.
I can never seem to get past certain thoughts or thinking patterns. Originally I think they were what I created to create a barrier. As a form of helpful thoughts to try to prevent me from doing some things that may cause me hurt. However now these thoughts are no longer useful to my life or situations I am in now. Now these thoughts and ways of thinking are causing me problems of their own.
Originally I used to over worry about maybe I shouldn’t be here at this time and place or I should not be a part of something or interact with other people. It seems now and back then the only ever right outcome was if I wasn’t here living and being around those people or situations. Of course you can probably guess how thinking this way and always having things in your life as form of evidence to back up theses ways of thinking really makes you feel. At the moment this is the worse I have ever felt about myself and life.
The thoughts really where just ways of contemplating possible dangers or outcome of situations for myself and how I may possible cause these problems or have an certain effect on others. However this isn’t just your general I wonder how that may turn out. This now makes it hard for me to make any decision and try to sort my life out. Also I now have really bad psychical feelings you get with anxiety. This really adds weight onto my way of think because it’s like even my body seems to back up, this is how you are meant to be and feel. Which all leads back to you should not be living or interacting with others around you. This makes it hard, when I am trying to find employment or go back to college.
It seems I am just all those bad things I think. I always will be that horrible person having a bad effect on all those unfortunate enough to have to be around me e.g. meaning colleagues at work or other students at college. So far all I have ever really done was live a life of an self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if it meant I would end up being hurt or not in best situation in life e.g. unemployed.
The only way I will ever change this is to still keep trying. If I stop what chance do have of ever expecting things to work out. If only things did magically turn up for you, instead of you having to make them happen. Like I said it is hard when not only you are up against the world around you in general but you have to even work past your own mind and thoughts. Also at the end of the day these thoughts once again, one way or another lead me back to my cycle of thinking/ believe the bad and unwanted things. Therefore I am finding it really hard at the moment to keep and find any chance of, for once, finding something in life to show a little glimpse. That this just might be bad thinking patterns and anxiety that maybe can be changed in the future.
Anyone felt like this? That no matter what you are doing you are not meant to be here. Even if you still carry on trying you will always just be a horrible person. Who is in the way or causing problems for someone else. How do you overcome your own mind and way of thinking?
Because this is like a catch, that keeps you forever within this cycle. The only way to break this is to confront it. Even then the only ever outcome of that was you were right to be thinking in this cycle and there seems no way for you to be anything other than this. Anyone ever got past this? or knows of good ways to try and break this way of thinking with some helpful techniques?
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