*******Triggering for mention of rape and sexual abuse*************

I don't know exactly how many sessions I had with my new T. so far, but I would guess around 6 or 7 (one session per week). I have talked about my history of childhood physical abuse from the very first session and my T. is the one who prompted me to talk about it by asking specific questions. I was relieved that he asked because I'm not one to volunteer information without being asked.

I have been in therapy 5 other times before and I have never been able to disclose having been raped at age 12 and then again at age 24 (I find it hard to even write it). Needlessly to say, therapy never worked for me before, not because my Ts were bad but because I could not open up, not even after months of seeing them. I have had both female and male Ts and it made no difference.

I don't want to repeat my history with therapy, a history in which I dance around the subject (mostly in ways that Ts can't even pick up on) and never ever say the words, never talk about the trauma, never have a dialogue with anyone other than myself about it. I want things to be different with this T. I want to be different and give myself a fighting chance at recovery. I know that I deserve a fighting chance.

The problem is, I am not able to vocalize what happened to me. Every time I go in for a session, I tell myself that this time I'm going to be brave and say it or at least hint at it or something. It does not happen. All my good intentions go out the window. Instead, I look down at my therapist's shoes and give him filtered answers.

I know some people write things to their therapists that they are not able to vocalize, but I could not. The idea of handing him a piece of paper with the words, "I have been r....," or writing it on an email is just as painful as the thought of saying the words.

I wish he would just ask me about it like he did for the physical abuse. Why he asked about the physical abuse I suffered from my parents, even in details, such as, "Did he punch you? Where? Did you have bruises? Where?" but he does not ask if I was ever raped or sexually abused?

If the idea is that I should be the one who brings it up and I should be the one who vocalizes it first, then he should not have asked me about being physically abused either because had he not, I would not have talked about that either. He made it easier for me to open up because he asked.

I guess my question is, have you ever been asked by a T. if something had happened to you without you bringing up the subject first?

I'm waiting for him to ask and I'm scared that he won't.