Hi Mindinpieces,

Thank you for writing that again and giving me the opportunity to read it - I'm relatively new and hadn't had the chance to see what you've written earlier. In some ways your post reminds me of the book Catch-22 - particularly because of how you have spoken of the eternal loop, the destructive cycle... the anxiety leading to the depression, and the depression leading to the anxiety.

I've read what you've written, and though I cannot relate to the sense of being out of place in a particular time and place, I do relate to the sense of being out of place and feeling like I do not belong. A notion of complete detachment from the time you're in and the spatial context you're in can be completely disorienting, and it sounds like you are having a really difficult time. I feel particularly concerned when I read this:

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But at the same time, I'm glad you've written it, because you've sort of given me clues about what you're feeling. I have a sense that this loop of thought, so to speak, is essentially symptomatic of your anxiety, more than it is a cause. I'm wondering how that sounds to you - whether that makes sense at all? The reason I'm thinking this is because personal experience guides me towards seeing my own loops as symptoms, rather than causes. Perhaps these things, in our cases, can be seen as triggers. And if they are triggers, then there has to be an underlying cause.

I mean, it sounds completely disorienting to be in a place where you are aware that your thoughts somehow become actions... I sense you're feeling helpless and scared? Perhaps what you're needing here is a sense of meaning and purpose? Perhaps also some reassurance that you're not alone in determining your "destiny" so to speak? Do let me know how this sounds to you... and what you think. I'm asking because ... when I hear or feel that I'm the only person responsible for my well-being, I feel very very alone. And guilty. And blamed and shamed. So... also wondering about that.

To me, though, it sounds like you've taken one huge step towards no longer feeling the way you do, and that is to become aware that your thoughts are in some ways guiding your outcomes and to continue to try despite overwhelming circumstances. That is a huge step - which might sound odd to you, because that is also the thing you've written so well about being the problem. Because in some ways that also means that if you are able to heal and come to a place where you can think happier thoughts... then maybe the outcomes will change too? I do believe, personally, that thoughts become actions and things. So that gives me hope too.

I hope you find some resolution soon.

(((((Mind)))))

~Bean