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We talk general conversations. I understand she has panic attacks and snaps. Or someting else, she doesn't want to be diagnosed. But I feel I can't trust her anymore. It is traumatic thinking about the past. She woke me up to 'go through' my room looked thru my garbage I ask her why she said she just did not trust me with anything. leaving us in the hot car for hours when we were young saying it would get rid of impurities. saying how one sibling mistake would get us all punished, i deserved punishment. silent treatments - countless. not picking me up saying she wan't there for me - she was there for my brother. grabbing us by our hair, talking bad out loud almost yelling to our family thru the phone. tlaking bad to my dad about what we did while he was out working. blaming me for rats in the house when she just didn't clean, there were no soaps in the house, except the shower. she would cough and sneeze in the food saying we would be immune for the cold. I realized she would ask for forgiveness by giving us sweets and fried foods, taking us to fast foods, then its the cycle all over again. She would also eat fried, oily foods and feed us, my dad ended up having type 2 diabetes. I realized how horrible our diet was once I learned about it in school. there's so much more, but I don't blame her, after all this I say I still love her I forgive her, please don't take it the wrong way if I say I cannot fully trust her. tomorrow is her birthday and I bought her flowers and clothes.
I am always trying and will continue. I just hate it when my parents don't undestand I can't get something overnight. My dad got his job thru my uncle simple, and years ago. my mom never worked so she doesn't understand. She just says I am lazy, and not trying hard enough. My dad is suggesting me what kinds of jobs I can get in a week but really he does not understand. I am also looking for a job in a certain field so when i graduate I have experience under my belt
Thank you so much for reading and the replies
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