My brother died almost a year ago of an overdose, well a toxic build up of oxycontin, same difference I guess. He and I had not spoke in almost a year.

*back story* He was my half brother (same mother) but it didn't matter. He was 9 when I was born. Anyway my father adopted him and my sister when he married our mom. So we grew up together. (All this will be important, I promise) My dad had two plots if land, one 15 acre and one 56 acres. He put the big plot in his and my brothers name to protect it. My sister and I were married and he didn't want to risk losing family land in a divorce if it ever came to that. My father however believed our brother would do the right thing and keep it for us all. Well my father died about 5 yrs ago with no will. All the life insurance policies were in my name about 30 thousand in all. Well I split it 3 ways with my siblings without hesitation. Not long after all 3 of us found ourselves struggling and decided to sell the 56 acres and split it 3 ways. I handled it for awhile but had some stress and my brother offered to help me. Well somewhere he decided to sell it and keep all the proceeds (it was after all in his name) . From the sell of 56 acres my sister and I got $900 a piece. He didn't even have the guts to tell me. He told our sister and let her handle it. I was beyond livid!

Well a month after that he had a car accident and broke 2 vertibrae in his neck. My whole attitude was well I guess karma really is a B. I did go see him in the hospital but didn't say a word to him or his "girlfriend ". (She is a prescription pill addict by the way. Been to rehab twice and had 3 strokes.) Come to find out he cant have surgery to repair the neck because his artery is closed and they don't want to risk blood clots. So they send him to a pain management clinic and they load him up. A month before he died his ex-stepson called me and told me he was in bad shape. That he had lost about 80lbs and he slurred his words. I figured he was abusing the drugs but still blinded by anger kept that oh well attitude. Well he died from the drug abuse and I broke into a million pieces. Left with the what ifs. Could I have saved him? Did his guilt kill him? Is this my fault? Why did I have to be so stubborn? Maybe if we had just talked like adults? I gave up on my brother and for what? Money?!

I live with the guilt and what ifs everyday. I struggle. This sucks. What does all this say about me as a person? I just feel so empty now.