Yesterday, around 3:00 P.M, the time when most are out and about, I was trying to catch some shuteye. And as I was laying there in my bed, I started thinking -- thinking about my life and how I could have done things differently. As I was laying there, ready to get some much needed rest, I began hoping that when I awoke I'd awake several years in the past, and that everything I had experienced since was just a bad dream. But needless to say, I awoke in the present.

Looking back, I can pin-point exact moments where, if I had only acted differently, my life would have turned out completely differently. Y'know, I probably sound like someone in their late 30's talking about years gone by, but I'm actually only 18 (I'll be 19 in October) and I already have so many regrets. And it's little things I regret too (not studying harder, letting the bullying get to me the way it did, not insisting that I change schools, little things).

I haven't really given any background information, so you're probably feeling relatively in the dark about all this. But in all honesty, telling my story can grow pretty tiresome. (I'm sure you all can no doubt relate.) I can give a brief synopsis though: no job, no diploma, no prospects, no friends, and any other noun preceded by the word "no". Oh, and I have terrible social anxiety. Now, I've never been diagnosed, but I know that I have it. And if not social anxiety, something -- something's amiss, that's for sure.

I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I don't have a whole lot of options though. I want to do something with my life. I want a career. I want a life. But where do you start? Where does someone like myself start??? For most people the transition into adulthood is just something that happens gradually. That's not the case for myself though. I still feel like a 12 year old boy. (And I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm treated that way as well.) It's just alittle more difficult to make that transition for me, y'know.

Look, right now, things don't bode well for me and my future. I can already see my 30 year old self clear as day, sitting in my bedroom all day, jobless, hopeless, slowly dying by inches. And it's not an image I particularly like. I want to do something about it, but I just don't know how. I don't have alot of options considering my circumstances. Any possible way out of this hell I can think of, I automatically have to rule out, because I'm either too afraid or it seems unrealistic or whatever.

And, by the way, I'm sorry. My first post should be something alittle more... well, less like this.