I had a bad day yesterday and I just need to vent.

I had to work yesterday and the weather conditions were miserable. It was hot with a threat of severe storms. I looked at future cast and called my client to tell them there was a threat and that if they still wanted me to come and do the job that I would try but if the weather was bad and I could not work they still had to pay me. The job was a little over an hour away so my work begins long before I get to the job site.

Well, the customer still wanted me to come to the job. And by the time I got there the sky was dark and I could see lightening off in the near distance. The customer also saw it, rolled their eyes and felt that I should still be able to get my pony out of the trailer and work. Honestly, people are just so dam ignorant. I told the customer that the loud thunder would scare the pony and everyone knows that it is extremely dangerous to be out in a storm like this. And the customer got so angry at me and blamed me for the misfortune of the weather and made it seem like I was making too much of it. Wow, I could not believe this customer's attitude with me.

Well, I made it clear that I was not going to put myself or my pony at risk.
And within a few minutes the weather got REAL bad. The husband asked me to stay and see if it cleared. And let me tell you, suddenly there came strong winds and nickle sized hail. I pulled my truck into a culdesac and sat there with this horrible storm all around me, with trees falling and high winds and I had no technology with me to see if there were tornado warnings or not. I WAS SO SCARED and I knew my pony was scared as well and it was so bad that I could not get out of my truck to close the windows on the trailor she was in.

Talk about anxiety? I thought about all the times I had warned of danger or something very real and people around me didn't listen and gave me a hard time. I thought about one time when I was on a job and was under a pavillion in bad storm like the one I was in and I had no choice but to stand there with lightening and loud thunder all around me. And the water was flooding the pavillion. My father in law was with me then and he acted like it was nothing. And I was so worried the ponies would freak out, but by the grace of god they remained calm. I was so scared under that pavillion that day. And my family treated me like it was no big deal and I should not have been so scared. And on the news that night there were people in the same situation that sought shelter under a pavilion in that same storm and ALL OF THEM DIED BECAUSE OF THE LIGHTENING.
It is not like I IMAGINE these dangers, what is wrong with people?

The whole time sitting in my truck with this horrible weather I kept having minnie flashbacks of so many times I was in genuine danger and others treated me like it was nothing and even scolded me for complaining. How far back that went in my life, so many times in my life. And though I tried to keep myself calm, I was already in a lot of pain from the anxiety. I always get pain in my whole left side and my jaw. I had once thought I was having a heart attack only to be embarassed in an emergency room being told it was an anxiety attack instead. People who don't experience it, don't know how painful it is.

Finally the weather broke but it was still raining and the husband came out to my truck. He asked me to keep waiting to see if it would clear and he showed me the weather on his cell phone. My cell phone is so old it doesn't have that feature. He made a place for me to park in front of his house. And when he stood there I told him that I had PTSD and this situation was a big challenge for me. I told him that I don't talk about it with customers but the way they treated me like I was a bad person for not doing the job was really not fair to me. He did appologize but somehow that did not ease my anger and I was still in a lot of pain with the severe anxiety attack.

I did get the job done finally but the whole time I was dizzy and talking to myself in my mind to try to calm down the anxiety. Any of you that have dealt with this know it is a lot of work to try to work through and anxiety attack and regroup.

By the time I got home I had more storms on my farm too. So I rushed the pony into the barn just in time before another storm hit. I got into the house and I was so completely exhausted and not really calmed down yet. And I told my husband and his "it is no big deal" reply just made me mad and triggered me again.

Why couldn't he have just came over and hugged me, rubbed my back and soothed me to help me calm down? Is it that much to ask? Hasn't he talked enough with my therapist to know that what I have is real and things like this are much more challenging to me? Anyone who has PTSD knows that it is not a ploy for attention, that it is genuinely challenging when experiencing something like this. I really work hard at it and I know I have gained a lot of ground, but it is still a challenge for me.

I had a horrible nights sleep last night. And this morning I woke up feeling like I had been physically beaten up yesterday. That is what a severe anxiety attack does as it wreaks havoc with the muscles. I don't WANT to have this happen. It is a lot of work to get past this type of reaction. I get so triggered when my husband reacts poorly when I am struggling, it just brings back how everyone was mean to me in the psychward and for many months for something I could not help.

Sigh....

Open Eyes