With the family history of substance abuse and death from that, perhaps you should visit the ACOA forums. It is also good to see that you are not going to give up with the herbal remedy (hopefully it is something useful - just read some things about St. John's wort taking up to 6 weeks to be effective)...

You have some talent at something...everybody does...never give up. People reinvent themselves all the time and at any age.

I'm partially typing this in trying to convince myself...I'll have to reinvent myself at 47 but I'm never giving up, even in the midst of this severe depressive episode...

Keep holding on and know that there are a lot of supportive people on these forums.