First of all, the way you see yourself is the way you ARE!! When I was 19, I was right where you are..now I am 28..and it took me this long to straighten my life out..but I DID IT..and so can you..but you have to want it and you have to work for it. You keep saying I cant or No job..no this no that..WHY? seems to me..like it was for me..that you have spent much of your life either living or being told that you couldn't or that you wouldn't..and to me that is nothing but a bunch of lies...lies told and lies learned..lies that need to be replaced by something positive and better for your growth as the person you WANT to be. How do you do that? First of all you figure out the truth..it sounds stupid..and its actually a lot harder than it sounds..You need to surround yourself with positive supporting people that will help you along the way to better yourself in what it is that you want to do in the world..both mentally and physically. If you do not have a support system, even a room such as this, you will not succeed..You need to seek help for the anxiety that you believe that you have..for this will only continue to get worse with time if not helped..and you need to start believing in yourself and your future..let go of the past..for we all know that despite all of our mishaps...we can not change the past..but we can shape our futures..our tomorrows..and we can make the most of every day if we allow it..I don't mean to sound like a freaking preacher..but I saw your post and I felt so compelled to talk to you..I saw my own face in your words and I see how much I worked and just how happy I am now..and how worth it was to come this far..and how much pain I had to go through to get here..but how I wouldn't change a bit of it..cause now I know who I am because of it..and I wish the same for you..If you need to talk..I always have an ear! (((hugs to you))))