Oh Aquarius....I wish more than anything that I could give you a hug right now, and tell you that you ARE worthy of being loved.....BECAUSE YOU ARE. There is so much to your message, I have so many thoughts....it's hard to know where to start, but I want to at least say a few things. From what you say here, clearly your sense of self-esteem has been severely damaged over time, (something I relate to in certain ways)....and I am so very sorry about that. I know how hard it can be, but part of taking care of yourself, and starting on the road to wellness is to remove yourself as much as possible from people who can not, or will not, be kind to you. Even if someone is not able to understand what you go through, they can admit that they don't get it, but still be supportive in any way they can. I'm sorry if it sounds blunt, but your boyfriend's words and actions sound very cruel, and you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. It sounds like he is only adding to all the horrible feelings you are having. By staying in this situation you are reinforcing the idea that you are not worthy of better. YOU ARE!! I know you may not feel that way, but it's just true. Is there something forcing you to live with this person? Why are you so opposed to meds? This is confusing. Depression is such a difficult, overwhelming thing to deal with, to not try everything you possibly can that might help makes no sense to me. Of course you must have your reasons, but still....And last thought for the moment, are you in any kind of therapy?? If you're not I pray that you do that as soon as possible. Please keep us posted on how you're getting along. Sending lots of warm thoughts and hugs your way.....