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Jul 02, 2012, 04:21 PM
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Member Since: Jan 2012
Posts: 356
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Hi whatbeanbelieved. Thank you for taking some time to read this and I really appreciate your response and insight.
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I've read what you've written, and though I cannot relate to the sense of being out of place in a particular time and place, I do relate to the sense of being out of place and feeling like I do not belong. A notion of complete detachment from the time you're in and the spatial context you're in can be completely disorienting, and it sounds like you are having a really difficult time.
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I have personally never really considered it to be disorientating or at least never look at it from that prospective. Of course this is different for all of us. As to how it makes us feel and the way in which we react. However it really is the “you shouldn’t be here living and excising.” What leads to me personally thinking and feeling in such a way, as this. For me it feels like I am there. However I am the problem/ the cause of things going wrong or causing disruption for others…. which again leads back to that one thought. It’s almost like if you had an item and it was broken you would fix it. If it was beyond repair you would dispose of it…. However some may recycle that item into new items. But this isn’t the same when dealing with ourselves. Sure you can metaphorically apply this to stages in your life. Viewing things that you may consider as going through or resulting of those stages. However this doesn’t fit me. It seem I will only be ever fit for disrepair but no one can get rid of me like you would an item… so really I feel beyond any hope and worth for anyone including myself to ever be able to breath, so to speak, some life/ worth back into me.
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But at the same time, I'm glad you've written it, because you've sort of given me clues about what you're feeling. I have a sense that this loop of thought, so to speak, is essentially symptomatic of your anxiety, more than it is a cause. I'm wondering how that sounds to you - whether that makes sense at all? The reason I'm thinking this is because personal experience guides me towards seeing my own loops as symptoms, rather than causes. Perhaps these things, in our cases, can be seen as triggers. And if they are triggers, then there has to be an underlying cause.
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I can understand, yes, it could also be a trigger. That I have worked through. As in the sense these situations and thoughts at those moments in time and places cause me to feel in such a way. However what underlines this all was that I was in a car accident that was 6 years ago now. However no one died or was injure that bad. Also this accident really only involved me and the person driving the car…. That’s all I am going to add about that. You can look at older post by myself I have more of the details in those post. I am sure the people who have come across me will be fed up about me going on about this. Really just as much as I am fed up by this accident that happened keep coming into my life and causing me to have problems and go on about it. However this is where the thoughts start to take over because partially it was my fault, so to speak, if I had only been a few seconds later that accident wouldn’t have happened. If only I reacted quicker at that time it wouldn’t have happened in such a way or it would have had a different outcome instead of not have happened what so ever. So really I think my thoughts and constant worrying may just be the cause of my anxiety…. But this just might also be brought on by fear and being scared that then my brain goes into overload mode by trying to sort through and resolve what’s behind the fear. If that makes sense.
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I mean, it sounds completely disorienting to be in a place where you are aware that your thoughts somehow become actions... I sense you're feeling helpless and scared? Perhaps what you're needing here is a sense of meaning and purpose? Perhaps also some reassurance that you're not alone in determining your "destiny" so to speak? Do let me know how this sounds to you... and what you think. I'm asking because ... when I hear or feel that I'm the only person responsible for my well-being, I feel very very alone. And guilty. And blamed and shamed. So... also wondering about that.
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I do feel guilt, blame and shamed but I know that’s my fault. No matter how much others try to assist me with my life, their help and efforts will never become or really result in the outcome of my reaction and choices after that. If this makes sense or you can get where I am coming from with this. I don’t necessarily feel alone ….. But I don’t like the feeling that I can never relate or be able to be around people efficiently, as you are expected to be e.g. meaning work colleagues or dealing with customers. This makes me feel very awkward and strange. As for the sense of purpose, yes, I look for that hopefully within a job that doesn’t require much of you. Apart from hard work and completing tasks to good standards. Ideally if at all possible of me where I can interact/ be happy, in some respect, working around other staff members/ customers. I am not a lazy person but I know my limits. I never will be a person who is able to do what is consider having a better careered job. I know this is not much and people will say sure you can do this…. However none of you have ever met me or seen what I am naturally like in those situations nor the effect I have on others by my being there and them having to work around me. I almost had this but I messed that up after being, even, given a second chance. Now I am unemployed. Believe it or not I think it is harder to build this up again within a new company. Then actually it would have been to have changed myself and stuck with my old job... actually I would have been fired sooner or later if I didn’t leave like I did. It’s now I have had time look reflect that I can see where I have gone wrong and with help from a T as well. If I stayed in my last job I would never have seek help and like I said probably would have been fired. I am also hoping to go back to college to help with that feeling of a purpose and something to work on… but I know this won’t change my existence, so to speak, it will never make me a nice or good person.
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To me, though, it sounds like you've taken one huge step towards no longer feeling the way you do, and that is to become aware that your thoughts are in some ways guiding your outcomes and to continue to try despite overwhelming circumstances. That is a huge step - which might sound odd to you, because that is also the thing you've written so well about being the problem. Because in some ways that also means that if you are able to heal and come to a place where you can think happier thoughts... then maybe the outcomes will change too? I do believe, personally, that thoughts become actions and things. So that gives me hope too.
I hope you find some resolution soon.
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Yes you are right, I have taken some steps. Even so I am still myself and ending up in this cycle. It’s seems that I am a shadow of a person sometimes. Sure I can overcome something’s and be at certain places trying to do things so I can get back to how ideally I would like to be. However the shadow feelings is like I may be there but my mind and way in which I then construct myself in those situations is not there. Almost like that was taken away from me or my mind is stuck inside of me scared or unable to interact in those situations. As I once would have. It’s so frustrating and disheartening to have got so far only to be side lined back once again into that cycle. Each time it’s easier in some respect you get use to the slight natural excitement, good thinking but you know that won’t last long. It’s almost automatic in how this occurs. But harder in that each time it’s seem more of yourself is wore away and there seems less chance for this to ever change. I don’t know what could possibly come after this, if this never goes right or in a more ideal way, even just good for once in the smallest of ways. But if that never happens I really don’t want to know what that would feel like. However this then puts more pressure on and more fear on this cycle and once again then result in forever trapping yourself endlessly within that cycle and way of thinking.
Sorry this is so long and I have probably wondered off about things instead of replied to you. Nerveless thank you so much for your rely and comments. I wish you all the best
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