Sorry, kazza, but I'm going to disagree. I've read your posts here and in the psychotherapy forum for a while and I'm not saying that I'm diagnosing you as having BPD, I'm not qualified to do that. But I do think that you're looking for confirmation of a diagnosis being wrong without seeing what you're talking about in regard to how you have described your own behavior. The scenerio you presented is pretty typical of those of us who have BPD traits . .. if not full blown BPD.

In most cases, people who are determined to committ suicide show a deep and abiding depression that has hung on them for several weeks or months. She might feel a lifting of the depression, followed by a burst of determination to make the decision and follow through with it. It's followed with concrete actions of: putting one's affairs in order, giving prized possessions away, saying "goodbye" without mentioning the "reason" behind the goodbye and putting into place the actions to make the suicide actionable.

People in this state don't fade in and out of depressed or suicidal thoughts; they don't often ride a rollercoaster of ups and downs for years and years. There isn't a continual up and down action to thoughts of suicide. In BPD, many of us learn that we find comfort and relief in our thoughts of suicide. We have ridden that rollercoaster of emotion for a lifetime . . .for as long or short our life has been up to this point. I don't see it as a manipulative action as much as a learned relief from the pain we experience, often on a daily basis. For example, we're feeling down or depressed about how life is going or not going and the thought of "offing ourselves" pops into our heads--it becomes a mantra of comfort (ie. "Well, I can just kill myself and I wouldn't have to put up with this anymore!) The thoughts helps to get us through the bad times because we can convince ourselves that "I don't have to put up with this! I can kill myself." It's amazing sometimes how that single thought or belief could comfort us in our time of darkness.

OFTEN, these suicidal thoughts are accompanied by "anxiety" . . . a restlessness of thought and physical action. In fact, anxiety is pretty common during these BPD thoughts of suicidal action. Perhaps even more indicative that these thoughts might be due to BPD traits (confirming what you've been told in the past) is that when you got to the hospital, a place where you could receive the help and care that you need when suicidal, but you struggle not to stay, to not accept the help. This is the push pull we with BPD experience when faced with care and help. We want it but we don't want it--it's accompanied by an intense fear of being controlled or engulfed.

People who are suicidal who have DECIDED that they have determined what their course of action will be to end their misery are laser focused in their plans. They are able to "talk their way out of anything". They are able to walk out of ERs and follow through with their plan. People who are severely depressed and suicidal . .. just give up and allow themselves to get admitted, receiving help and assistance. People with BPD traits or full blown BPD tend to up the ante and the drama when in an ER setting--acting out their push/pull activities of wanting help and not wanting help (ie. running off or becoming acting out in the ER). This is not meant to be dismissive or condemning. I have BPD. I understand the actions and what goes on with many of us with this horrible disorder. It is not about us wanting to manipulate or make people bend to our will. It is about us not being able to accept the help and assistance we need but it is countered by our intense need to let others know that we are in pain and are in trouble. It is about us not being able to calm and tame out wild and out of control emotions . .. emotions that can swing and rage at a moments notice.

I'm glad you're going to meet with the personality disorders team. I hope you're able to listen and that they are able to present their thoughts about the diagnosis in a way that is helpful and caring. NO one with BPD should be condemned or ridiculed for what they feel. . . the feelings are real and they are damaging. They are not about faking or trying to elicit care from others. They are about being able to be open to the care, comfort and learning that others have to offer .. . unfortunately not all caregivers understand this! Take care.